Chart of lust
even actually BE want to TWEET, and, yes, This week, who we LOVE,
1. NEW IN JACKIE HOFFMAN
Screamed ‘ dammit! ’ on losing the Best Supporting Actress Emmy to Laura Dern. Later accused Dern of running ‘a child porn ring’. We’ve always felt losing graciously to be overrated.
2. UP MILEY CYRUS
Has reintroduced See You Again to her setlist, with iconic lyric: ‘ Felt like I couldn’t breathe/ You asked what’s wrong with me/ My best friend Leslie said, ‘Oh, she’s just being Miley.’
3. DOWN JADA PINKETT SMITH
Accused of being a Scientologist; tweeted: ‘ I have studied dianetics, and appreciate the merits of Study Tech… but I am not a Scientologist.’ We guess that makes her... sci- curious?
4. NEW IN THE LEADING LADIES
Beverley Knight, Amber Riley and Cassidy Janson have formed a super- group and we are obsessed. More high notes than Alan Carr at a midnight screening of Mother!
5. DOWN JAMES CORDEN
Thought it appropriate to cosy up to Sean Spicer ( a man who denied that Hitler used chemical weapons during the Holocaust, in case you’d forgotten). America can keep him.
6. UP LAURYN HILL LL
Explains that her habit of missing her own shows is due to difficulties ‘aligning my energy with the time’. Henceforth our go- to excuse for all tardiness.
7. UP ALEC SECAREANU
Doe- eyed star of God’s Own Country, this year’s best film, and the reason we’ve been wistfully staring into the middistance since seeing it.
8. UP JESSICA SIMPSON
Got out- of- her- mind drunk at her husband’s birthday party, demoted him to role of human walking stick at his own event, last seen giggling to herself as she was bundled into a car.
9. UP ROBBIE WILLIAMS
Revealed that he and Morrissey once almost shared an on- stage kiss ‘ like Britney and Madonna’. It’s not too late to make it happen, boys ( we’ll be Christina).
10. DOWN NIGELS
Despite ( or more likely, because of) Nigel Farage’s omnipresence last year, not a single baby in England or Wales was named Nigel in 2016 ( for comparison, there were 18 Corbyns). The end is Nige.