School of thought

for any kind of help and support, they are too busy. They don’t return my calls. One even called me “selfish and demanding”! I really don’t want to lose my friends but I am also hurt and sick of the way I’m being treated.’

QThis is not a nice way to feel, I’m sorry. I don’t know if we ever lose our propensity to feel that playground burn of being ostracised from our little tribe. Feeling that we no longer belong, or that people don’t care any more, is like being lost at sea.

In some strange, non-human parallel universe, the easy solution would be: make new friends who treat you better! But you are a human being with emotional needs who has made complex emotional bonds, so things aren’t that straightforward.

I don’t know how long these friendships have lasted, or what life events have led to you seeking support but, in grown-up world, we can’t really get away with saying – or inferring – ‘I’m ignoring you’ like we can when we’re at school.

‘Being there’ for a friend is such a subjective notion, isn’t it? What does it mean to you? Think about it because the problem, I suspect, is clashing expectations. Is it answering the phone to someone whenever they call? Taking the time to reply with considered advice over text? Dropping everything to see a friend in crisis? Is it actively checking in – rather than waiting for them to call – with a friend you know is having a hard time, making clear that, however busy you are, you’ll be there?

Really consider what you perceive the disparity between you and your friends to be. If they’re unable to give you what you feel you need, looking at what those needs are ( before telling them how disappointed you are) in the context of all your lives might be helpful.

Managing expectations of others is a minefield. Everyone has different levels of empathy and compassion anyway, but they can change through circumstance. For our own sanity it’s usually good to judge what’s going on with someone in their life before we judge their entire character. For example, would I chew the ear off my friend who’s just had a baby about work issues? No. I’d probably leave it a while.

We cannot expect people to feel and behave exactly as we do. We can’t get inside people’s heads and say, ‘Be kind to me.’ There is clearly a foundation of something good, which is why you want your friends’ support. Instead of embarking on upsetting tit-for-tat exchanges, maybe write a calm, reflective email to explain how you feel. Just be ready to look at yourself, too. anjula says: You describe these people as friends, but are they really? Friendships are about the balance of give and take. However, toxic friends put themselves first, drain you, are unavailable when you need them and lash out in dramatic fashion if you ask for support in return, and you end up walking on eggshells around them. If this sounds familiar, then you have toxic friends. I think you’ve put up and shut up for so long that being the shoulder to lean on has become a habit. Yes, it can be hard to let go, but if you don’t, things will just carry on as before, and you will get more resentful.

A good rule of thumb is: if a friendship is costing you more than rewarding you, then it’s time to step out. Limit contact with them. Unfollow them on social media. Invest in yourself by spending time doing things that make you happy – voluntary work, dance classes, whatever you love to do. Surround yourself with people who raise you up. You deserve better.