My parents are splitting up, after 35 years of marriage.
Mum says Dad’s had many affairs and she can’t take it any more. I feel betrayed, like my childhood has been ripped away. I can’t face Dad and I’m angry with Mum for putting up with it for so long. I should be an adult about this, but I am just in pieces.’
eleanor says:
First of all, your reaction is what it is. You are upset that your parents are getting divorced after a really long time and that is perfectly reasonable, isn’t it? Do you need to stick ‘adult’ or ‘non-adult’ labels on how you feel? I don’t think so. Who’s judging?
What strikes me most about your longer letter is your feeling that your childhood has been ‘ripped away’ from you now your parents’ marriage is over. I posit that you gently challenge yourself and don’t get stuck here. Does the fact that you grew up in a loving, supportive home – lucky you – change now? Do all those experiences that contributed to you being the person you are now suddenly go up in flames now your parents have decided that, after a long time, they can’t be together? How could they? You can’t put your long-term memories through a paper shredder. They’re embedded in the fabric of who you are.
That your dad was unfaithful to your mum throughout their marriage is a bitter pill to swallow. I get that. I was a teenager when my parents’ marriage came to an end, but I remember the burn I felt in the pit of my stomach when I found out. It didn’t go away for a long time. I was strangely embarrassed for both of them, and about telling anyone. However, your parents are not just your parents. They are two human beings who fell in love and decided to have children – you – but also, as well as parenting you, remained a couple who needed to sustain their relationship. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
It is hard sometimes to view our parents out of the context of their role but, unless we try, we will only live in resentment whenever they go through their own human experiences. Your anger at your mum may be a refraction of the anger you feel about it all full stop. Try not to fundamentally judge her character – or your dad’s. People stay in relationships in spite of many things and for many different reasons. Sometimes it takes years to see the wood for the trees.
It’s OK to be in pieces; the pillars of your upbringing have come apart. But, even divided, they are still your mum and dad. Give yourself time to adjust to what’s happened and remember that they are in pain, too.
anjula says:
It doesn’t matter how old you are, experiencing your parents’ break-up, particularly after what you thought was a long and happy marriage, is a huge shock. Add to that the sense of betrayal you feel, plus your anger, and it can all become overwhelming.
I think you are also grieving for the past you thought you had, because your whole upbringing has been organised around them being happily together. These feelings are normal and understandable and you need time to process these confusing emotions.
Your parents’ relationship is going through a seismic shift and, as their child, you can feel caught in the middle. That’s why it’s OK to take time out for yourself to work through your feelings. If you’re not ready to speak to them, tell them as calmly as you can that you need space to work through this. Getting support for yourself is vital. Talk to a therapist, vent to close friends and, most importantly, give yourself time to heal.