Perilous garments
It’s the VINYL
countdown! We’re talking wipe- clean trousers, not festive remixes… the holidays can be a volatile and messy time. Out come the cakes, pies, biscuits and cocktails – each posing a major threat to any special outfit. A mulled wine stain is a life sentence, prosecco is basically a registered explosive, and I can’t be the only one who has stood too close to an overenthusiastic chocolate fountain. The solution is a controversial one – the vinyl trouser. It wipes clean!
Feel absolutely liberated as you encourage all village children to rub off their disgusting hands on your legs. Stroke your sick girlfriend’s hair with confidence while she’s heaving into a Mayfair gutter. Fear no wet snow splashback during your high street sprint to complete your Christmas shopping during your lunch break. You’re impenetrable. You’re wearing vinyl trousers. Sure, you’ll squeak down the road as though you’re made of halloumi, but fashion isn’t about sound. If you’re really that worried about it, perhaps sing along to Janet and Michael Jackson’s Scream in your cordless headphones, as though you’ve stepped straight out of the music video yourself. I can’t stress this enough – there is no downside to the vinyl trouser. Spare me your conditioning about how it’s only suitable for teenagers, or super-skinny legs. If you’re so concerned with dropping a dress size, wait until you pour out the barrel of sweat that gathers inside what is essentially a spa- quality body wrap. I like to go a step further and oil mine up on the outside so that I glide through the holiday sale crowds like a slippery baby seal. I’m fabulous and no one can catch me! On a serious note, you are not Nicki Minaj. (Apart from you, Nicki Minaj, assuming you read Grazia.) The rest of you, try though you may, are not Nicki Minaj, so please don’t wear vinyl on vinyl. Pick a nice pencil leg trouser and mix up textures. I suggest a classic Rossi heel or a Jimmy Choo glitter boot, cashmere sweater and some fine gold accessories. God, I’m so excited for this look. Just remember not to spill anything on the rest of the outfit. If you see danger coming your way, shield with the crotch. You can do this.