SCHOOL OF THOUGHT
our experts eleanor morgan and anjula mutanda answer your mental health questions
eleanor says:
Human relationships are messy, aren’t they? In an alternate universe, this kind of thing might be prevented by magnetic force fields that hum into existence if we ever try and cross the exes-of-friends threshold. Alas, that ain’t reality. But would we want it to be?
You’re going to have to have an awkward conversation with your friend, of course. Despite moving on with her life and finding love again, neither of you is going to be comfortable because, even as adults, we can get a bit childlike in our sense of ownership over people: ‘I loved him once, so now no one else I know can.’ Of course, it’s unlikely your friend will ever say that to you. She might think it, in some recess of her mind, but that’s fine. You can’t control that.
What matters is how you talk to each other about this and how you progress in your friendship if you enter into a relationship with this man. I imagine it feels ‘wrong’ at this stage because it’s secret (although that can add a certain frisson for a while), but there is no rule book. Love and lust bloom in all kinds of funny corners, in all kinds of colours. I have friends who have maintained friendship with their exes when in new relationships, others who have fallen in love and had children with exes of friends. There was awkwardness, minor gripes about ‘ boundaries’ and worries that dynamics would change – something you certainly can’t safeguard against. In most cases, once those initial obstacles were navigated, everyone got used to the new shape of things. No one wanted to get in the way of love and lose friendships in the process.
In reality, your relationship with this man poses no threat to your friend. She is in a new chapter of her life. Maybe she’ll worry about potentially tricky social situations – all that history wafting around – but then again, you all might. What’s encouraging is that, given this man is still part of your friendship group, she is comfortable being around him. If she weren’t, it may change things.
Hopefully, by broaching this gently but honestly with your friend, being prepared that her response may not be immediately congratulatory – and being patient with that – you’ll be OK.
‘ I recently had a drunken kiss with a friend,
after which we realised how much we like each other. The trouble is, he’s the ex of one of my best friends. They had a serious relationship a few years ago, but she is now happily living with a new boyfriend. Even so, it feels wrong. How do I tell her?’