School of thought

And it rocked the whole family, but my mum struggled the most. She’s very lonely, and while my sister and I try to rally her, we can’t give her the level of support she needs. How can I help her without feeling frustrated and still have a life myself ?

eleanor says:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t think we ever get over such a close death – whatever ‘getting over’ looks like. Over time, pain just has a different weight. In the initial, raw period of grief you may feel as though you’re wearing chainmail. A few years on, it might feel like a T-shirt; you’re aware of the feeling, but more able to move.

Grief has a habit of leaking out when we’re not expecting it, too. When we’re feeling stressed or upset – even about something seemingly unrelated – our resilience for coping with memories and emotional states can wane. Acknowledging the sometimes unpredictable nature of grief and learning to just be with how we feel, rather than over-analysing or judging it, is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

Now, to your mum. This is a sensitive situation and I really feel for you. You and your sister lost your dad, creating a profound shift in your world order. Your mum has lost her companion in life and her own world order has dramatically shifted. Loneliness is often characterised by loss. The quietness of her home must be suffocating at times. In the scheme of how long I’m assuming they were together – eating, sleeping, sharing the sofa – three years is not very long. You don’t say whether she’s still working or what her social life is like, but if she lacks the sense of purpose and inter-personal interaction these things bring, then her mood and self-esteem are bound to be low. Your mum relies on interaction with you to keep her feeling buoyed, heard and understood, which is understandable – you’re bound not just by blood, but in your shared pain. It is not selfish to feel overwhelmed by this sometimes, particularly if you feel your other relationships are impacted. You must look after your own wellbeing, too.

Your mum needs help in inching out towards social engagements again, I think. A first step might be encouraging her to join a local bereavement support group, so she can share her experiences with others who know the same pain. Looking into community services like volunteering would be good, too. It may also take a frank discussion with your mum to work on a more democratic way of communicating.