School of thought
It seems that everyone has a better-looking boyfriend, a thigh-gap, more money and a book deal. Rationally, I know that’s not true, but I can’t help feeling this way.’
ELEANOR SAYS:
Ah yes, the old Everyone Else’s Life is More Exciting, Beautiful And Worthwhile Than Mine chestnut. I wonder what kind of language you use when talking to yourself about all the gorgeous, successful people in your social media feeds. A lot of shoulds, I bet. ‘I should be earning more money at this point in my life.’ ‘My arse wobbles, I should be leaner.’
There is a phrase often used in psychology for this kind of thinking: ‘ The tyranny of the shoulds.’ It refers to how we ideologically divide ourselves into two: the ideal self and the real self. When we’re not living up to whatever – or whoever – we deem the ideal self to be, and feel we are ‘less than’, that critical voice pipes up.
It’s safe to assume that we human beings have been judging and comparing ourselves to others since time immemorial. So much of our thinking and behaviour is affected by those around us – what we learn from them and how we perceive we’re being seen – trying to switch all that off is impossible. With social media, it is perilously easy to judge ourselves based on what we see when we’re scrolling. However, as your rational self will no doubt know, what most people are presenting on their Instagram feeds is a carefully curated series of snapshots of the life they want people to see.
A beautiful mum might post a soft-hued picture of her angelic baby propped up on the sofa. Seconds later, that same baby might have spectacularly breached its nappy with diarrhoea and that same mum might have carried it to the bath, gagging. Everyone has their own crap going on and everyone’s dissatisfaction is relative to them. People might be looking at your pictures and thinking: ‘I want what she’s got.’
Do a little exercise with yourself. When you have one of these thoughts, ask yourself: is this really true? Do I really want what this person has? Sometimes, even just the act of ‘catching’ the thought might be enough to jolt you into reality. If there is a pattern to the images or scenarios that make you question yourself more, maybe there is an aspect of your life you want to change. If so, try and sit with that idea away from the cherry-picked reality of social media and see where you get.
ANJULA SAYS:
It’s normal to compare ourselves to others. However, social media can tap into that ‘upward’ comparison – looking at those who seem to be better off. The downside of this is being drawn into what one writer aptly describes as the vicious cycle of ‘compare and despair’. Those unrealistic standards of beauty, relationships and thigh-gaps can leave your self-esteem feeling battered and bruised – and one study suggests that if social media is making you feel jealous, then it could also be a sign that you’re using it too much.
Take back control by tracking how much time you’ve actually spent on social media. Then delete apps from your phone that make you feel negative. Turn off your notifications – this is obvious but incredibly effective. Don’t switch your phone on until after breakfast – start your day fresh, not cluttered with the airbrushed highlights of other people’s ‘staged’ lives. Remember: if more use is making you feel worse, less use could have the reverse effect. Email your mental-health questions to feedback@graziamagazine.co.uk and we’ll try to help