School of thought
I’m flattered, but worried I’ll be expected to repay the favour when the time comes. I think highly of them but we’ve drifted apart and I have other close friends now. How do I navigate through this without upsetting them?’
anjula mutanda is a psychologist and author of How To Do Relationships eleanor morgan is author of Anxiety For Beginners: A Personal Investigation and is training to be a psychologist Email your mental health questions to feedback@graziamagazine.co.uk and we’ll try to help
eleanor says:
I’m assuming you’re going to go ahead and be a bridesmaid for each of them because it would bring them happiness and, in reality, saying no would probably cause a lot of hurt and you’d feel very guilty.
This is a very specific context, but what you’re talking about in terms of evolving friendships and the associated expectations is interesting. During our lives we make lots of attachments – to family members, lovers, friends, pets, etc – and the way those attachments inform our thoughts and behaviours changes over time.
When we’re teenagers, our close friendships are the lens through which we make sense of the world and our social selves. We often can’t see past them, becoming entwined with the ins and outs of each other’s lives. But although these friendships may feel like an unbreakable force at the time, as we mature the intensity wanes and, often, the bonds – with no ill feeling – fall away. We find affinity with new people. Life moves on.
But many people do have friendships that have lasted since their school years; some even stay close with friends they’ve had since they were toddlers. Everyone is different. In your case, perhaps there is a clash of expectation happening with these friendships. It seems like you’re slightly incredulous at being asked, so maybe your assumption is off ? Perhaps these friends do still consider you very close and a crucial part of who they are? Maybe they don’t have as many other close friends?
Yet there’s a niggling voice in my head that also says they might be going through the motions of maintaining an idealised version of what your friendship is. Joining up past and present and having your oldest school friends as your bridesmaids – looking into the future with your partner – must be a comforting feeling. You might see it as a ‘favour’, but it obviously symbolises something for them. I say: you think highly of these women, so play the role for a day to make them happy. What this role ‘means’ going forwards is up to you. But you’re not yet planning a wedding, so smile for the photos and enjoy the party. Try not to catastrophise a future that hasn’t happened yet.
anjula says:
OK, so your old school mates still see you as a close pal and want you as bridesmaid, which is flattering. But it’s natural as we grow to form other meaningful connections which reflect who we are now. And that’s fine.
There is no obligation to reciprocate the bridesmaid invitation when you’re no longer close. Yes, there is a chance of their feelings being hurt if you don’t reciprocate, or you feeling under pressure for your big day. But whose wedding is it anyway? Yours! The trick is to decide the value of their relationships to you. You say you’ve drifted apart but think highly of them. Sounds like you want to maintain the connection on a casual and occasional meet-up basis?
If so, when your big day comes, choose those who mean the most to you. Invite your old school pals as your VIP guests, seat them together and make them feel special as people who form part of your whole story. This way, you get to have the wedding you want and they get to be part of your big day.