School of thought
OUR EXPERTS ELEANOR MORGAN AND ANJULA MUTANDA ANSWER YOUR MENTAL HEALTH QUESTIONS
ELEANOR SAYS:
I’m sorry you feel like this. It’s good you have this level of self-awareness – admitting to being angry and defensive, even just to ourselves, isn’t easy. I wonder if you really do have no idea about why your mood has shifted. Do you have friends you can talk openly with about how you feel? If so, what comes up? If you’re not having this kind of dialogue with anyone, maybe that’s part of the issue. Everyone needs an outlet.
You say your life looks ‘pretty perfect’. Having a partner, children and a good, satisfying job is a holy triad many of us aspire to. However, you the individual, your mind, heart and spirit, are not wholly defined by these things. Your own thoughts, emotions and needs still exist. Does your life feel perfect? Clearly not at the moment. Does anyone’s, all of the time? Absolutely not.
By framing your mood with an ‘everything is perfect, why do I feel like this?’ narrative, you are piling on the pressure. It’s torturous when we compare our idealised selves with the reality of how we feel. But how you feel at this moment in time is valid – even if it doesn’t match with what you think people see. There’s no neat fix, but being aware of the pattern is a start. What I’m saying is: give yourself a break.
Feeling like you’re becoming increasingly unhappy needs attention, but the idea that we can just ‘snap out of ’ these things is a fantasy. Unhappiness in and of itself is not
‘ On the outside, my life looks pretty perfect – I have a good job, a husband and two children. However, I am increasingly unhappy: I snap at my husband and kids over little things and become easily angry and defensive at work. I don’t know why, but I feel a grim sense that everything is pointless. How can I snap out of it?’
a medical diagnosis – we all have periods of stress and dips in mood – but if you really are finding work and home life difficult, plus a creeping sense of pointlessness, I think it’s time to talk to someone.
Having the dedicated, un-judgemental attention of a trained therapist, and a space to speak openly about your private fears and frustrations, could help you untangle your thoughts, identify patterns or triggers and, hopefully, find solutions. The meaning you attach to seeing a therapist needn’t be more than looking after your state of mind. Talk to your GP or, if you don’t want to wait, visit counsellingdirectory.org for a list of practitioners near you ( if money is an issue, many offer a sliding fee scale). I’d also recommend the free mindfulness exercises on franticworld.com to help you learn to accept how you feel in the present. Good luck.
ANJULA SAYS:
How something looks and how it might feel on the inside can be two different things. Snapping at those close to you, getting easily wound up and feelings of ‘pointlessness’ sound like symptoms of low mood, which can sometimes pass on their own. However, it may be that you are experiencing what is termed ‘walking depression’ – which means basically functioning while feeling increasingly unhappy. Just because life can appear great on the surface, it doesn’t mean those feelings aren’t valid. They are and they matter. Acknowledge your feelings and think: is something meaningful to you missing at the moment? Are your emotional or creative needs being met? Have there been changes to your appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive? If so, talking it through with your GP could help identify if there’s a physical or psychological trigger. A referral to someone like a CBT therapist could also help. It’s important you don’t struggle alone and instead get positive support to help you handle this challenging time so you can feel good again.