Chart of lust

WHO we’re loving and living for this week

1 UP HARRY STYLES It transpires he’s a lesbian icon, which makes total sense to us. We fancy him almost as much as we fancy Shane from The L Word.

2 NEW IN MERMAN ERMAN RAY Filipino call centre worker who lit up the internet last week by posing topless in a homemade tail. He says it’s part environmental activism. We say it’s a joy.

3. NEW IN PRINCE CHARLES AND A CARROT HRH visited a Lincolnshire market, sniffed a purple carrot, then broke it in half. We have no further comment to make.

4. NON- MOVER DREW BARRYMOORE In a pinstripe suit, a

Dirty Dancing T-shirt and tinted love heart glasses, promoting the new series of Santa

Clarita Diet. Never not highly lookable-at.

5. NEW IN STEFAN- PIERRE TOMLIN Tinder’s ‘most right-swiped man’. How did he do it? ‘Food in your mouth [ in profile shots] is a big no,’ he said last week, before making absolutely no reference to the expediency of being absurdly handsome.

6 NEW IN AUGUST UNREAL A fictional bachelor on a fictional dating show but, heaven knows, if he were real, we’d be losing our tiny minds over his particular six-pack-anda-soul combo.

7 UP ELIZABETH DEBICKI Of The Night Manager, and also the weird and totally enjoyable sci-fi number The Kettering Incident (Sky), doing promo rounds for Peter Rabbit, hinting-yet-not-hinting about a second Night Manager. Délicieuse.

8 NEW IN ERIC FINCH US Navy veteran, 50, now the world’s leading Snoop Dogg lookalike. Gets up to $2,000 for 15 mins, despite not knowing who Snoop was for quite some time.

9. DOWN BRET CONCHORD Fell down the stairs, hurt his hand, has postponed a UK tour. You have to know Flight of the Conchords to get why this is funny.

10. DOWN FIONA BRUCE It has emerged that her mango was stolen last week from a BBC newsroom fridge, leaving her furious!