School of thought

I’ve been going along with it and being self-deprecating has become my default. But it’s starting to really drain my confidence. How can I get my friends to realise and break the habit?’

eleanor says:

I would bet you my most valuable possessions (all the Yorkshire Tea bags in my house, as it happens) that your friends have no idea this pattern is bruising your feelings and draining your confidence.

How long have you been ‘going along with it’ for? Can you remember? Or, does it feel like it’s always been this way? Because I wonder if, after one or two occasions of being the butt of the ( probably unmalicious – these people love you) jokes at a time when your resilience was low for other reasons, you have created a narrative in your mind that says: ‘I am always the target and it’s not fair.’ Now, every time your friends rib you – for whatever reason – it reinforces that belief, chipping away at your self-esteem.

You say being self-deprecating has become your default. In social groups, we do tend to naturally develop roles – something that plays out in TV shows and films all the time (think of everyone constantly taking the piss out of Joey in Friends) – and conform to the expectations of others.

We respond to others’ approval when we play our roles well and, obviously, to their disapproval when we play them poorly. This is not as sinister as it sounds! These roles can be subtle, comfortable ones we naturally fall into over time with people.

In your case, maybe being the stooge was once a safe thing: in my experience it is a sign of deep affection to both make and be the joke, because it’s something that can only really happen with familiarity and longevity. Still, this is obviously affecting you and you don’t want these feelings to get in the way of seeing your friends. Perhaps it might be worth speaking to the person you are closest to in the group about how you feel? I strongly suspect that they would be concerned to learn they’re upsetting you and may be able to spare you the awkwardness of having to announce it to everyone at once. Learn to find your voice, too, though. Practise giving it back! You might be surprised by how easy it feels after a while.

anjula says:

I’m not surprised that you feel drained. Sometimes people fall into roles in friendship groups and, over time, get stuck with a certain label. Before you know it, you get used to being in a certain role in order to continue to feel part of the group. Friends then just assume you can handle it, especially if you play along and don’t speak up. But you won’t get them to break their habit of treating you this way until you break the habit of allowing yourself to put up with it. The good news is that you’ve already taken the first step by saying to yourself ‘enough is enough’. Now your next move is to get assertive and lead by example.

When you hear something you don’t like, adjust your body language. Sit up straight, look the person in the eye, don’t smile and definitely do not apologise. Keep what you want to say short and sweet – eg, ‘When you say stuff like that, it hurts my feelings.’ It might take a few goes, but stick at it. They’ll get the message and, hopefully, behave in a more respectful, considerate manner.