‘THE IDEA OF THE SUPERWOMAN IS JUST A CRUEL MYTH’
Every week, a woman reflects on motherhood – whether she has children or not
You’ll probably recognise Cathy Newman from her role anchoring Channel 4 News. She’s also just written her first book, Bloody Brilliant Women, an enlightening look at the unsung pioneering British working women ‘your history teacher forgot to mention’. Oh, and she’s mum to Scarlett, 14, and Molly, nine. So how does she do it all? ‘My husband is a bloody brilliant man,’ she admits, of writer and arts journalist John O’connell. He does all the school drop-offs and pick-ups, cooks the meals – and did ‘mountains of research’ for Cathy’s book. Here, Cathy, 44, and John, 47, talk about how they make it work…
Cathy: ‘ Working mothers are so hard on themselves. The myth of the superwoman is just that, a cruel myth. You can’t have the big career and be the big super-mum. I couldn’t do my high-pressure job without John. Having that bedrock of stability means that when I close the door to go to work, I don’t have to worry about my home life.
‘John and I first met at Oxford University. We married when I was 26 and had Scarlett four years later. When she was born, John was working on a magazine and took some paternity leave but we had a nanny when we both went back to work full-time. Our younger daughter’s birth was a much more stressful time, however. I’d lost two babies in-between, so it was a relief that we’d managed to have a second child. But one month before she was due, John was made redundant. By then I was working at Channel 4 and had become the main breadwinner. So John working freelance from home and doing the majority of the childcare seemed the right solution. To pay tribute to John, I think some men would have a massive problem when their wife earns more than they do, but he accepted that that was the way it had become.
‘Our weekdays have quite a rigid structure. We start the day with a sit-down breakfast because it’s the only time I can chat to the girls about school – one of the things I miss most when I’m working late. I’ll get ready while John puts breakfast on the table and makes Scarlett’s packed lunch – I barely know how the cooker works! Then John takes Molly to school while I listen to Today and clear away the breakfast things. I’m out of the house at 8.40am, and not normally back until 9pm. Molly will be in bed but Scarlett is normally still up so I’ll have a chat with her. Like most working mums, I make a real effort to make family time at the weekend – we’ll have at least one big meal together and then sit down to watch something on TV, like The Durrells.
‘I’m aware I’m in a really fortunate position but we’ve both made sacrifices – I can’t see the kids as much as I’d like to, and John has arguably missed out on things career-wise. There have been tough moments. When they were very little, the children would cry out for ‘Daddy’ at night; something that was hard to hear.
‘Another challenge is that my job means I’m constantly juggling emails, even on holiday. I don’t like checking my phone in front of the kids, so I’ll often hide away in the loo to read them. I’m a perfectionist – I want to be the perfect employee, the perfect mother, the perfect wife. But that’s impossible. I used to come home at night and feel stressed seeing the kids’ shoes all over the place, for instance, but I’ve learned to embrace the chaos a bit more.
‘More than anything, though, I love the fact the girls have such a positive male role model in their life. A lot of men want to be more involved in bringing up their kids. The climate is definitely changing.’
John: ‘From quite early on, it was clear that Cathy’s career was taking a different trajectory to mine. That often happens in couples and you just have to accept it. And there are lots of plus-sides for me and the family. If one of our daughters needs help with her homework, for instance, I can be there. In many ways I feel that children need their parents more as they become teenagers than when they are babies.
‘I’m so lucky to have such a close relationship with my daughters. Nothing is off limits when it comes to our conversations, from periods to ’80s pop. The one thing I do miss is the lack of adult conversation. I’m currently writing a book on David Bowie but I don’t get that day-to-day contact with colleagues you have in the office. It can also feel a bit uncomfortable at the school gate, which is still overwhelmingly female. Any men there will skulk around the sides.
‘Even today, men are congratulated on being able to do even the most basic “dad duties”: use a washing machine, say, or take their kids to the playground. They’re seen as a New Dad as opposed to simply being a dad. I’ve had so many positive experiences from having the main caring role. Whatever works best for your family is best for you.’ ‘Bloody Brilliant Women’ by Cathy Newman (£9.99, William Collins) is out 4 October