Lessons in lube

Sales of sexual lubricant are up and there are more types available than ever before. So why are we still too embarrassed to talk about it? Rebecca Holman reports

over the past decade, I’ve ditched that itchy Agent Provocateur bra I wore for every hot date when I was 27 in favour of a cotton crop top. I’ve also stopped getting a wax every time there’s a slight chance I’ll get some action and I’ve started adding lube to my shopping basket when I’m buying shower gel in Boots.

Writing that makes me cringe. In fact when, in my early thirties, I realised I was going to need to start using lubricant, I became convinced it was a sign of early menopause. I started dreading sex in case I couldn’t ‘perform’ (which was how I viewed it) and, when I finally gave in and went to the chemist to buy a bottle of Durex’s finest, I put together an elaborate shopping basket of stuff to hide the bottle – lest the self-checkout judge me.

What I didn’t do was discuss this with my GP who, if they were clued up enough on women’s reproductive health (and that’s a big if ), would have been able to tell me that women experience vaginal dryness at different points in their life for a variety of reasons, including stress, some hormonal contraceptives ( including the Mirena coil, which I’ve used for many years) and often when breastfeeding.

I didn’t even discuss it with my friends – with whom I’ve had some very frank conversations over the years about our sex lives. It was only when I mentioned it recently, several glasses of wine in, that a few of them told me in hushed tones that they had also been using lube for years – but hadn’t wanted to say anything.

‘ To be honest, I just wish someone had told me about lube earlier,’ says Josephine*, a radio producer. ‘I’m 30 now and I wouldn’t have sex without it. But when I was younger and on the Pill, I think it could have saved my sex life and, perhaps, even a couple of relationships.’

So where does that sense of taboo come from? Anonymous sex blogger Girl On The Net thinks it comes down to what I described – feeling like it’s a failure to perform, the female equivalent of erectile dysfunction. ‘ We talk a lot about how to tread softly when a man struggles to get an erection, and about the potential for embarrassment or feeling like a failure. But just as it usually becomes a little trickier for men to get hard as they get older, so it also becomes more difficult for women to get wet. There are many reasons why this happens, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with them. But the stigma still exists.

‘I used to feel like if I used lube I was a failure in some way. When I was in casual relationships I’d often do a quick spit-inthe-bathroom before going to bed.’

Even in the medical community, there’s a lack of understanding around these issues. ‘Lubricant can be necessary at any age, but I think the real crunch time comes when people have children or become menopausal,’ explains Dr Leila Frodsham, a consultant gynaecologist and lead consultant in psychosexual medicine at Guy’s and St Thomas’ NHS Foundation Trust in London. ‘ That’s both physiological and psychosexual, because as a new parent you’ve often got an ear out for a new baby so perhaps you don’t get in the mood so easily. But also, as a new parent, if you’re breastfeeding your oestrogen levels get very low, so you get much drier, much more sore. And that’s not something that’s often discussed or understood by a lot of healthcare professionals.’

Frodsham talks about breastfeeding or peri- and post-menopausal women being referred to her psychosexual services because they’re feeling very dry and sore, when in reality there’s a quick fix. ‘I give them some oestrogen and lubricant and they’ll go away thinking I’m amazing – which is nice for me, but it wasn’t really necessary for them to come to a specialist clinic for that.’

Unlike with erectile dysfunction, which is treated with over-the-counter pills, Frodsham doesn’t think female patients are necessarily given enough guidance on what lube to use. For example, she wouldn’t recommend KY jelly or aqua gels because they can get sticky during sex. She also points out that, while silicon-based lubes can be great for some people, they can cause BV ( bacterial vaginosis) in others, and of course oil-based lubes aren’t compatible with latex condoms.

But she is clear about one thing – people are using lube – we just don’t talk about it. ‘Condoms have become something people will talk about openly now – because of the conversation around sexually transmitted infections – but with lube that discussion has never happened.’

Still, maybe that’s all about to change, because the sexual lubricant business is booming – globally, the market is predicted to be worth over £1 billion by 2022, with one report predicting that it will have grown by 6.4% between 2016 and 2022. Superdrug tells me their sales of lube are up 5% this year, and were up 10% last year.

There’s also a rise in organic, natural lubes that put female pleasure at the forefront. Brands like Foria, for instance, sell a lube infused with the cannabis compound THC, which claims to heighten female arousal, while Superdrug is now stocking the organic-certified YES brand.

It makes sense on two levels. First, we obsessively read the ingredients on the back of a tub of moisturiser, we worry about the number of chemicals in nonorganic vegetables, so why wouldn’t we care about what’s in our lube?

Second, female pleasure is now very marketable – an all-natural lube that promises a great female orgasm is increasingly seen as a wellness product and couldn’t be further away from the malemarketed bottles you used to find in the supermarket, tucked away next to the condoms. The 2018 equivalent is surely the Between The Sheets section in the Goop online store, where every type of lube is either organic-certified or vegan.

So maybe this means my friends and I will be among the last women to have that furtive lube conversation over a glass of wine, five years too late. The fact there are now dozens of brands emerging that neatly straddle the sexual health and wellness markets, and for whom female pleasure is central, is nothing short of revolutionary – and we should be shouting it from the rooftops.

condoms are discussed openly now, but with lube that’s never happened