Polly Vernon
ARE YOU ready for Woke Christmas? For a FESTIVE period defined by
the moral code of our age: political correctness on shouty steroids, enforced by whoever on Twitter is most sure they’re right, and anyone who isn’t with them is against them?
I am – but only by accident. Apparently, the woke-iest thing a gal can do this Christmas is not wrap gifts. Which, I don’t! In Woke Christmas world, non-wrapped presents = good, because although you’re denied the chance to see joyful surprise light up your rellies’ little faces as they rip paper off whatever delicieuse tokenette you’ve bestowed upon them[ 1], you’re also avoiding paper waste. In my world, non-wrapped presents = a faintly shamefaced consequence of me being generally lazy and incompetent. But this year, apparently, they’ll make me woke!
I let myself down in all other Woke Christmas respects, mind. I haven’t been triggered by the dark undertones of just-denounced Christmas classic Baby, It’s Cold Outside, for example. And when I wondered out loud if Elf’s Buddy the Elf might be rather too fond of imposing a ‘hug culture’ on all those he encounters ( if you know what I mean)… Guess what? I was taking the p***. I’ve demonstrated no interest in where one might acquire good vegan canapés; when acquaintances say things like: ‘I’m one of those people who just loves to spoil my friends and fam with, like, mountains of pressies? But this year, I’ve realised less is more, because the greatest gift of all is gifting the planet with less landfill?’ it is all I can do to not punch them in the face.
So I’m probably not all that ready for Woke Christmas after all. But that’s OK. Honestly, I have misgivings about woke, one of them being: at what point did woke stop meaning (as it originally did) the enlightenment of black people to centuries of ongoing oppression and become, instead, shorthand for the many complicated ways middle-class people find to feel guilty? When did woke become an exercise in self-flagellation for anyone with time to kill between Pilates and brunch? Why did weaponising it seem like a good idea; using your allegedly superior ethical lifestyle choices as sticks with which to beat those who don’t do the things you do – or who don’t not do the things you won’t ( like wrapping)? And finally: where exactly do the woke get off, assuming they’re the only ones who care? I kind of assumed we all did. I kind of assumed that was a given.