Chart of lust

WHO we we’re loving and living for this week

1 NEW IN LIZZO

Classically trained flautist, singer and rapper, teetering on the verge of setting the world on fire. Won’t play Flight Of The Bumblebee; says it’s ‘for basic bitches’.

2 UP NATASHA LYONNE

Formerly of OITNB, now starring in Netflix’s Russian Doll, which is as weird as it is brilliant. We grow increasingly obsessed by this one’s look – wardrobe-wise and existentially.

3. NEW IN BIG SEXY

Real name Buddy. A cat model who went missing from a NYC fire department calendar shoot last month. Fears grow for his safety. Find Big Sexy, New York!

4. NEW IN DONALD TUSK

President of the European Council, featured here by popular demand. Reasons offered: ‘he’s a bit gangsta’, ‘he pronounces his name Tsk’; ‘he sometimes sounds like Yoda’.

5. NEW IN THE ELEPHANT SEALS

Fifty of whom took over Drakes Beach, California, during the government shutdown ( presumably, standard state beach authorities weren’t present). They’re Ththey’re now having sex on it.

6 NEW IN MELANTHA OF NIGHTFLYERS

The George RR Martin Netflix adaption. Beyond beautiful, nails the courage/physical prowess departments, trialling some magnificent athleisure looks.

7 NON- TOM MOVER BRADY

Husband of Gisele, hero of the NFL and, far more significantly, one of the few athletes who can dress off the field, as well as on it. Suede trench, anyone?

8 NON- MOVER POLDARK

Rumours about outtakes from the final series accumulate, yet no one seems to be wondering if it’s sexist to look at bare naked fictional Cornish men any more. Are we over that?

9. NEW IN CARMEN EJOGO JOGO

Actress currently starring in series three of True

Detective. We particularly like it when the show’s shifting time frame requires her to ‘wear ’80s’.

10. NEW IN HENRY IAN CUSICK

Actor whom we’ve only become aware of since watching Sky’s vampire saga The Passage ( he’s Dr Jonas Lear). Which is a shame, as we’ve wasted valuable lusting ops.