Chart of lust

1. Up REGINA KING

With particular reference to character Angela Abraham’s on-duty look in Watchmen (HBO), which is top notch (the outfit, and the show).

2. New in FOOD GOD

New identity of the man formerly known as Jonathan Cheban, professional best friend of Kim Kardashian. Nope. We’re not kidding. Dude changed his name. To Foodgod.

3. Up MICHAEL KIWANUKA

Singer-songwriter of 2016’s wondrous Love & Hate, whose album Kiwanuka is due for imminent droppage. Local boy* (*if you’re us. Which, to be fair, you probably aren’t).

4. Up SNOOP DOG

A number of guests arrived dressed as him for actor Gabrielle Union’s birthday last week, among them: actual Snoop Dog (also dressed as Snoop Dog).

5. New in MARK BONNAR AND JAMIE SIVES

Stars of first-class BBC Two thriller Guilt, involved in an epic real life long-term bromance, according to a recent interview.

6. New in CROUTON THE INTERNET COW

Moderately successful social media sensation (NB we’ve decided it’s chic to be only moderately successful on the internet, anything more is vulgar). ‘A wee cow, living the best life’ according to her bio.

7. New in FATFACE’S T*T-KNIT

Now, look: who among us hasn’t accidentally incorporated a row of boobs into a Christmas jumper knitwear pattern? Eh?

8. Non-mover RACHEL WEISZ

To play Elizabeth Taylor in a forthcoming biopic. One of those castings that’s so right, we’re convinced it already happened, some years ago.

9. New in CLAES BANG

Of season five of The Affair (Sky), and Dracula in the forthcoming BBC adaptation. Danish. Is – and we really can’t emphasise this enough – actually called Claes Bang.

10. Up MEN WHO CUDDLE DOGS

More likely to get swiped by ladies on ze apps, according to a new study; as are women who pose in bikinis. So that’s… progressive.