CHART OF LUST

1. Up DONALD TUSK

AKA the Donald we fancy, AAKA The Strawberry Fox. His second term as President of the European Council is about to end. We’ll miss his whimsy/ instinct for drama.

2. Up NORMAN NEWLANDER

Stealing the show in season two of Michael Douglas’s The Kominsky Method, just like he stole season one. Immaculate role. Immaculate actor.

3. Non-mover JOURDAN DUNN

Revealed last week that her nine-year-old son demands she drop him off away from the school gates to minimise public embarrassment.

4. Up EMMA WEYMOUTH’S ABS

She’s out of Strictly, but up in our Lust. We’re not sure the aristocracy has ever experienced henchness of the like before.

5. New in HENRY BAKE OFF

Had to deny he’s going out with contestants Alice Fevronia and Michael Chakraverty in one week, which is going it some on the denial front.

6. New in JOYCILINE JEPKOSGEI

Won the New York Marathon – her first major marathon – last week in two hours, 22 minutes and 38 seconds, the fastest debut time on record.

7. Up LEE MEAD IN MOTHERLAND

We love a celeb cameo, and this is a good one – not least because there’s something wholly plausible about the scenario.

8. New in LILLY SINGH

Comedian and Youtube star, and the first openly bi person to host a major network TV talk show, NBC’S

A Little Late With Lilly Singh.

9. Up WILLIAM SHATNER

For twitter-spatting with a youngster who ‘ok boomer’d him, an intended insult which Shatner took as a compliment, before demonstrating advanced emoji skills.

10. Up JOHN BERCOW

Former speaker of the Commons, allegedly demanding a cool mil to appear on I’m A Celebrity. We admire the chutzpah, think it bodes well for future antics.