Things you only know if… you’re a sober widow
Last year, Jo Dunbar’s husband stopped drinking – but Jo, 37, hasn’t. Accepting his new normal has been difficult for both...
his friday night craft beers and my few glasses of sauvignon blanc after the kids had gone to bed used to be our mutual signal that the weekend had begun. But these days, the craft beer is replaced with tonic water and I’m drinking on my own.
It’s dry January, which means it’s been a whole year since my husband chose to stop drinking. After the rest of society got back on the sauce last February, Chris, 38, stuck with sobriety. He didn’t have a medical reason to stop and didn’t really drink to excess before. But like many people, he’d become sober-curious, bored of waking up feeling worse for wear after three drinks, and decided to quit altogether.
The Office for National Statistics estimates that 20% of us are now sober, with the UK boasting the lowest number of alcohol drinkers since 2005. The problem is, I’m still drinking and my instant reaction to him stopping was that of annoyance.
I felt Chris was selfishly removing one of my chosen ways to relax and that his decision to stop drinking was a cruel blow to how we socialise. While we weren’t huge drinkers, fun times and big occasions had always involved booze, from choosing a red wine to complement a steak for a rare slap-up dinner, to keeping a really good bottle of champagne for New Year’s Eve.
To begin with, I couldn’t accept it. I wanted to work out a new set of boozing rules: I’d ask if he would join a toast to celebrate good news or a big birthday. The answer was no. I secretly thought – and hoped – Chris’s sobriety would stop as quickly as it had started, but we’re now coming up to the one-year mark and he remains just as focused on his booze-free lifestyle. In that time, we’ve completed a holiday, attended a wedding and celebrated our wedding anniversary with me as the sole drinker. It was the wedding anniversary that bothered me most: eight years on from a wonderful honeymoon in California, taking in the wineries of Sonoma – something Chris had planned with precision – here he was rejecting what I thought was a special experience we had shared.
For Chris, the decision not to drink was something he thought about for a while. He told me he liked the taste of booze, just not its effects. He stopped when friends with a similar lifestyle did so too. ‘When you are going against the grain and not drinking it helps to know you’re not the only one,’ he’d say.
He agrees we’re in uncharted territory for our marriage – from our very first date, drinking has been a part of how we unwind. He’s pretty sure that remaining sober won’t change our feelings, but acknowledges it has taken some getting used to. He’s thinking of it as an ongoing experiment and says he wouldn’t expect me to stop, just because he has. But, over time, his new-found social habits have rubbed off on me.
I was dreading him becoming a smug, sober person while I wrestled with a hangover, expecting him to tell me all the stupid things I had done or said the night before. But at a close friend’s wedding recently, Chris was more than happy to be designated driver for a carload of merry guests. His sober state at the wedding did make me more mindful of what I was drinking, so I necked some soft drinks in-between all the prosecco. As a result, we both woke up the next day feeling tired but without a pounding head and matching shadow of shame.
My friend Samantha, 38, has also stopped drinking, while her partner Andrew still enjoys alcohol. ‘He was surprised when
I first told him I was quitting booze,’ she tells me. ‘When dry January turned into February and March, he was confused, saying, “But you really weren’t that bad, you weren’t an alcoholic.” When I explained how much happier and less anxious I felt, he understood.’
She hasn’t allowed her sobriety to stop them hanging out as a couple. ‘I don’t talk about his drinking or ever comment on how much he drinks,’ she says. ‘When I made the decision to quit I did it purely for me. I order a beer for Andrew at the bar while I get a non-alcoholic drink. I haven’t really let it change anything between us.’
Still, it makes me a bit nervous to read about studies that suggest couples who drink together stay together. Research from the University of Michigan found couples who approach alcohol in the same manner tend to be happier. So far, though, Chris hasn’t judged me for ordering another large glass of wine when we’re out and I haven’t mocked his lime and soda.
Now, I just wonder how long it will be until our friends stop looking at me whenever Chris turns down a beer. These days, I’m constantly asked whether I’m stopping too. Naturally, seeing how content he is with his decision has made me give it some thought. But after two pregnancies and two stints of breastfeeding, I feel I’ve already had my brush with sobriety. To stop drinking now, because Chris has, seems unfair – much as expecting him to drink just because I do wouldn’t be right either. The truth is, we shouldn’t have to have the same drinking patterns as our partners. And cheers to that!