‘I’ve slept with 45 people, so what?’
The number of lovers contestants have had is always a key moment on L. Bouvte, Iasrlagnudes F itl os hpoerurlyd,n’t matter – for them or us
AT it seems F I R S ltik Ge elqaunaclitey mloigvhet slowly be creeping into the
I vsillalna. d Last week, the time came around once again for the boys to reveal their ‘body count’ – in other words, the magic number of people they’ve had sex with. In previous seasons, all the boys have boasted counts well into the teens, tens and even hundreds, but this year Finley said that he’d only slept with three people. The other islanders congratulated him on his comparatively low number.
Meanwhile, fellow Islander Connor was met with scorn for sleeping with ‘around 100’ people, while Callum revealed his number to be 70, many of whom were one-night stands. When he protested that it was all just a way to have fun, fellow contestant Shaughna said, ‘I’ve never had a one-night stand, but I’ve still had fun.’
So is this the feminist utopia we always dlroevaem Iseldanwdo uld come to the villa? Of course not. Having slept with
more than the average number of people (which, in the UK, is seven over a lifetime) still carries a great deal of moral judgement. People think that they can guess something about you from the number of people you’ve had sex with. If you’re a woman they assume you are unhappy, that you can’t pin down a boyfriend, that you are seeking constant validation from external sources, that you just can’t say no. If you’re a man, you are unfaithful, you don’t respect women, you are immature. But really? Isn’t it time we started viewing sleeping with a large number of people as a valid lifestyle choice, without moral weight?
‘Sex doesn’t have to be strings-attached and serious for it to have value,’ says Louisa Macinnes, a certified sex and relationships coach. ‘As long as it’s done consensually and safely, sleeping with multiple partners can be a great way of exploring what you like, learning how to ask for it, honouring boundaries and understanding that no two bodies are the same. It can be a shamefree celebration of our diversity, our sftuehxnautacliatny,baenhdatdhe when people come together in pursuit of partnered pleasure.’
I wholeheartedly agree that slagging around can be a positive life experience. I’m 27 and, at the moment, I’m in a long-term monogamous relationship and have no plans to change that, but I’m grateful for the years I spent sightseeing in various bedrooms, bathrooms, tents and bin areas behind pubs. I think it’s made me a better girlfriend. Slagging around gave me confidence, excellent anecdotes, and a better idea of what I’m looking for in a potential partner. It’s made me more confident that I will be faithful, for instance – I know the grass isn’t greener on the other side because I’ve trampled on most of it already, with both men and women, around 45 in all. But most of all I’m glad I did it because it was fun. It made me happy and gave me great memories. I didn’t want to wait around not having sex until the perfect person wandered into my life, and if I hadn’t done all the slagging around, I wouldn’t even know just how perfect she truly is.
I hate travelling. I never want to go bungee jumping, I avoid coach travel whenever possible. I do not own a backpack with a waist strap. You won’t catch me dead in some hippy harem pants. But I realise that travelling is a hobby that many people do in their younger days that enriches their life and gives them memories they look back on fondly. Just like slagging around did for me. Travelling isn’t a risk-free hobby
– I know several people who’ve fallen off the back of a moped in Thailand. Similarly, slagging around isn’t a risk-free hobby; gonorrhea really is everywhere. I love going on holiday for only one week and putting my things in a suitcase with wheels; therefore, I hope the more adventurous backpackers respect me, just as I respect those who choose not to sleep around.
Islander Finley also admitted that all of his partners had been girlfriends, which, again, he was congratulated on. Finley is obviously one of those people who likes having a girlfriend. A classic serial monogamist. Just one of the many styles of dating that people tend to fall into.
However, it is often wrongly assumed that the serial monogamist will always be more faithful and a better partner than someone who has had many partners. Being a serial monogamist has its plus points – these folk are probably excellent at meeting parents, they might be used to cohabiting and a pro at the everyday compromise at the heart of all relationships.
But they might just like having a girlfriend. They might settle down too quickly with someone who isn’t actually very suited to them, because they might like having a girlfriend more than they actually l.imkea yyobue they need the external validation of being in a relationship to feel confident in themselves. They might love the new thrill of the first two years or so of a relationship and then grow bored. There is no promise that the serial monogamist will be the perfect partner.
People often assume that someone who has slept with a lot of people will be a less suitable long-term partner. They assume that they are more likely to be unfaithful or have trouble committing. But there’s just as much chance that they are someone who enjoys sex but who hasn’t found the right person yet. Someone who won’t settle for the first person who shows an interest in them, but who will wait for someone they feel a proper connection with until they commit. Someone who’s been a bit of a slag might be more adventurous and skilled in bed, they might be more passionate about sex and be willing to prioritise it more within a relationship.
Neither way is actually better or more morally superior than the other. What’s important is that you’re doing what works for you, not because you feel like the other option is wrong, but because that’s just what makes you happy. And if someone comes along who has a different style to you – that doesn’t mean their way is wrong, or that they aren’t the right partner for you. You will probably even learn things from one another.
Ilhovoepe that in the next season of
I,swlahnedn they inevitably devise some game to get the Islanders to reveal their magic numbers, that all the answers are met positively. I hope we reach a point where learning about someone’s sexual history is just like learning what GCSES they took – though obviously much more fun.
‘How To Have Feminist Sex: A Fairly Graphic Guide’, by Flo Perry, is out now (£16.99, Particular Books)
SLAGGING AROUND CAN BE A POSITIVE LIFE EXPERIENCE