‘CAN WE EVEN AFFORD A BABY?’
As a couple, timing hasn’t been our strong suit. Ross and I were left in a tailspin planning our wedding around my mum’s cancer diagnosis two years ago; our plan to start a family last year was kicked to the kerb when I was made redundant. Then I settled into a fruitful stride as a freelance writer, so we decided in 2020 we’d try for our much-wanted baby.
We stocked up on folic acid, saved money and got the pregnancy apps. My sister-in-law announced she was expecting and we fantasied about raising our children in tandem.
But 2020 isn’t our year. We went into lockdown weeks before most of our friends as Ross’s asthma makes him high-risk. In our second week, we reached a painful decision: the baby plans had to go on hold, indefinitely. Ross would be unable to come for scans with me, and the risk of attending labour would likely be too high for him. Aside from not wanting to do it alone, I would feel dreadful depriving him of these experiences.
It’s hard not to feel a sense of panic. We’re not getting any younger (I’m nearly 34, Ross is 40) and more than once I’ve sent myself into a Google-hole, looking at statistics for first-time mums over 35. Then there’s the financial anxiety. As a freelancer, I haven’t got security. It’s already a challenge to become a parent while self-employed (which we both are) and I fear that the savings we’d hoarded to cover mat/pat leave will be eaten up by work lost this year.
Other people have things worse, of course. I can’t imagine the agony of those having their IVF treatment cancelled, or enduring a miscarriage during lockdown. I feel self-indulgent even worrying about having a baby at all when things are so dreadful for everyone, and so many lives have been lost too soon.
But, in idle moments, my mind wanders back over the decade we’ve spent together, the many years when having a baby ‘didn’t seem right’. Was that our chance? Did we miss it? I am trying to convince myself that this is a choice we’ve made – we have decided to stop trying, for now. But it doesn’t make it any easier.