Fearne Cotton: how to make 2021 count

Let’s face it: 2020 wasn’t anyone’s dream year – but 2021 feels like it could offer a fresh start. Here, Fearne Cotton writes about the three ‘resolutions’ she’s going to make – and she suggests you do, too

january the 1st. Not necessarily the day we feel drenched in power or hope. Traditionally, we may wake up stinking of gin with some novelty glasses still propped upon our noses, the night before’s glittery tights sluggishly hanging around by our knees.

Some jolly folk will, of course, use the first day of the year to kick-start new dietary habits, or write up long lists of fresh, lofty goals, yet many of us feel slightly hopeless due to the thought of several more months of cold weather, dark early evenings and what feels like a heavy promise to never drink again.

Yet the first day of 2021 might hold more expectation than usual as we wave off 2020 with a strong desire for this new year to be happier, healthier and much less stressful.

I’ve never much loved New Year’s Eve. I don’t like parties and I hugely dislike staying up past 10pm – I’m happy with my granny tendencies these days – so the first day of the year is usually a bit dull and flat. This January I don’t want to laden myself with long lists of things I need to tick off before the year is out to prove that I’m ‘on course’ to a better life, a better me. Instead, I want to make myself some gentle promises. Promises that can naturally evolve from a kind and loving heart. Promises that will create more peace, more hope and, essentially, more power.

In this instance I am using the word power to describe motivation, energy and a willingness to align with what feels right within. This is less about loudly roaring and much more about calmly striding towards what feels good.

My first promise is to be kinder to myself. A cliché at times but, when we really dig deep into our worst memories, darkest times and biggest regrets, they’ll usually be seeped in a heavy self-loathing.

We are often our own worst enemy. We carry around an acerbic voice hissing within about how useless we are and how much better we could be. We berate ourselves with the insistence that we are lazy, foolish, perhaps even utterly useless, without looking at whether any of that is even true.

More recently, underneath that foulmouthed inner voice I’ve noticed a need for control. I use control to keep away the bits of myself I don’t like. The gross bits, and we ALL have gross bits. The part of me that spoons peanut butter out of the jar before bed. The part of me that gossips mindlessly about people I know. The part of me that lies or takes the easy route. No one is exempt from the gross bits, yet I’ve wanted to banish those parts of me so have tried to do so with a very, very neat house and many very complicated lists that need to be ticked off to prove how neat and ordered I am. I’ve had the subconscious understanding that

this sort of order might dissipate my gross bits, yet have never tried to embrace them. Embracing my gross bits is one of the kindest things I could do for myself.

Promise two is to do something I’ve historically been so bad at: setting boundaries. Telling people what I really need, want or don’t want has been nearimpossible over the years, so I’ve ended up in imbalanced relationships and dynamics that fall apart as there was no initial clarity. I have gone above and beyond for people who have expected something from me, and then felt resentful and exhausted. I’ve assumed that if I did speak up I would be ostracised, mocked or rejected.

So promise number two means I need to start properly speaking my truth. I will start small by telling the next taxi driver who is blaring out Talkradio that I would prefer silence rather than gritting my teeth for the whole journey home. I will flex the ‘no’ muscle by telling some that I cannot give them what they want as I am already overwhelmed with my family life and career. I will remember each time that the other person’s reaction or indeed assumptions of me are much less to do with me and much more to do with them. Speaking your truth often takes a little dose of courage, a bit of a risk and a huge chunk of not caring so much what others think of you once you’ve spoken.

My one mantra to sit alongside this promise derives from one of my favourite Louise Hay books, How To Heal Your Life. The mantra being: it is safe to make noise. Roar, whisper, laugh, shout, scream, just don’t stay silent when you have noise to make!

Those promises combined seem to be a beautiful little equation that might just equal hope and power, which is much more tantalising than reaching for a heady list of achievements we need to reach in the next 12 months. I reckon self-acceptance, loving those gross bits and speaking your truth is where it’s at for 2021.

‘Speak Your Truth: Connecting With Your Inner Truth And Learning To Find Your Voice’ by Fearne Cotton (£16.99, Orion Spring) is out 7 January

1. SET GOALS

Start by deciding what to focus on. There might be a ton of things you want to change, and most of us will have a serious case of ‘goal FOMO’, but start by picking just one or you’ll wear out your willpower muscle and make it less likely you’ll achieve anything at all.

‘Pick whatever is stressing you out the most, or the thing you’re constantly hearing yourself complain about,’ says coach Jen Sincero. ‘That’s a pretty good place to start. I usually tell people they need to get financially secure first as it’s impossible to concentrate on anything else while freaking out about the rent.’

If you’re still having trouble deciding what to focus on, it’s worth considering why you want to make this change. ‘It’s superimportant to get to the specifics of what you want to do and why you want to do it,’ adds Jen. ‘You won’t stick with it if it doesn’t align with your values and it doesn’t ring true to you.’

Goals tend to fall into two broad categories: extrinsic goals that require validation from others – like money or status – and give your ego a bit of a boost. And intrinsic goals that relate to your passions, needs and relationships. So if you’re exercising to get a hot new body that will impress others, that’s extrinsic motivation. But if you’re exercising to feel more confident and energised, that’s intrinsic motivation. Both are valid, but research shows that intrinsic goals that chime with your values will be easier to stick to. And, as a rule, achieving an intrinsic goal will make you happier in the long run.

DO IT Write your goal down and be very specific. Ask yourself how you will know if you’ve achieved it. So if you want to get fit, you could say: ‘My goal is to run 5k before the end of January.’

2. IDENTIFY OBSTACLES

Unfortunately, bad habits can get in the way of our goals and changing them isn’t so easy. That’s often because they are so deeply wired into us, they’ve become automatic.

‘If you have a better understanding of what context or environment is likely to trigger your craving or bad habit, it’s more likely you’ll succeed in stopping it,’ says science writer Helen Thomson. ‘The old saying goes “neurones that fire together, wire together” and once two sets of neurones are linked in this way, doing one thing makes it very likely the other will soon follow. So when you see a pub, or taste wine, you can’t help but consider having a cigarette.’

So how do we break the associations? Research shows it’s far easier to replace an entrenched habit with a new one, since trying to stop often leads to a rebound. Hence we crave chocolate the minute we start a diet. ‘If your overall goal is to give up wine, but you usually have a glass when you get home from work, then book something to do at that time instead,’ says Helen. ‘Try a 10-minute exercise class. Or if your trigger is walking past the pub on the way home from work, use a different route. Changes will help erode the association.’

But what if your friends lead you astray? ‘It’s not about no longer socialising with the people you love – the big drinkers, the smokers, the big pizza eaters – it’s about setting a boundary,’ says Helen. ‘Say, “Listen, I love going out drinking but I’m no longer drinking alcohol so we’re going to have to meet at the coffee shop from now on.” It’s not much of an ask and if they love you, they’ll respect that.’

DO IT Make a list of the top five things that are likely to knock you off track and limit your exposure to them. Spend time with friends and people who will motivate you or look for an online support group to help you stay motivated.

3. BE CONSISTENT

‘As boring as it sounds, persistence is key,’ says author and podcaster Adrienne Herbert. ‘You need to keep putting in that intentional effort and be in it for the long haul.’

You’ll often hear that it will take 21 days to cement a new habit, but in fact there’s a huge variation in how long it takes. The

average is about 66 days, but one study showed it ranged between 18 and 254. ‘It just takes as long as it takes,’ says Adrienne.

Having the ability to achieve your goals is important – but believing you can get there is just as important. There’s a lot to be said for having a positive attitude as countless studies show you’re far more likely to succeed if you believe you can, as long as you don’t fall into the trap of thinking it will be easy. As one study showed, dieters who thought they could easily lose weight lost 24lbs less, on average, than those who believed they could do it but thought it would be difficult.

And if you feel yourself flagging, you might want to think about what you stand to lose by not changing that habit. Research shows we’re more likely to keep going when we think about the damaging repercussions of not achieving our goal, than the things we gain by reaching it. For example, visualising the damage smoking is doing to our lungs will be more motivating than thinking about the money we’ll save.

DO IT Set aside a ‘power hour’ every day to focus on your goal. ‘It’s about reclaiming an hour and making it non-negotiable, so you show up every day and do something towards your goal,’ says Adrienne.

4. TRACK YOUR PROGRESS

Losing weight, changing your career, saving up for a deposit on a house… none of this is going to happen overnight. Big changes take time. Years sometimes. The problem with this is that our brains are very sensitive to the gap between where we are now and where we want to end up; when that gap is too big it can feel disheartening.

The answer here is to break the task into smaller pieces that feel manageable. Then regularly check your progress to check if what you’re doing is working. ‘Change happens slowly. If you’re trying to lose weight you won’t lose a pound a day, so it’s discouraging unless you have a little reward along the way,’ says Jen. ‘But tracking a habit can be a reward in itself. You take a calendar and mark every day you stick to your guns – that in itself is very rewarding.’

Tracking your progress will give you an idea of where you are now in relation to your goal, and it’s that discrepancy that will fire up your motivation. If you want to keep going it’s best to focus on how far you have to go, rather than how far you’ve come, as research shows focusing on what you’ve accomplished already can undermine your motivation.

DO IT Get a paper diary or calendar and record your successes. Decide how often you need to track your progress. Will it be daily, weekly or monthly? Create a reminder in your phone diary for when it’s time to look at how far you’ve come.

5. EXPECT (SOME) FAILURE

But what if, after all this, things don’t go to plan? Well, that’s all part of the process. Success isn’t about never screwing up, it’s about getting back on track quickly and having the tenacity to keep going. Ask anyone who has ever achieved anything, whether that’s giving up smoking, starting a business or falling in love, the path to success is likely littered with multiple failures.

The question is not whether we will fail – we will; that much is inevitable – but how we handle it and what we do with the experience. ‘Don’t make a big drama out of it,’ says Jen. ‘You’re going to fail, you are a human being. Just be: “All right I screwed up,” but get back in the game straight away. The longer you wallow in self-pity, the farther away you’re going to get from changing that habit. It’s OK to feel disappointed. Have your temper tantrum or your pity party and then get back on the horse. You’re not a “fat cow” you just screwed up your diet.’

The problem most of us have with failure is that we think it’s bad, that it means we’re useless. It’s all the self-flagellation that goes with it that’s harmful, rather than failure itself, because we become so afraid of failing, we don’t even try in the first place. It’s OK to fail. Really. ‘All the studies show that a few slip-ups don’t make any difference to the time it takes to cement or break a habit,’ says Helen. ‘Don’t be too hard on yourself if you go a few steps back every now and then, it’s not the end of the world – but nor is it an excuse to give up and stop trying.’

DO IT Focus on getting better, rather than being good. When your focus is on developing your skill rather than the end goal, it’s easier to deal with setbacks.