Chart of lust
Who we're loving and living for right now...
1. New in ANDRÉA, CALL MY AGENT
We could write poetry in honour of this woman’s nose! Feel joy regarding season four landing on Netflix, yet also pre-emptive grief, because it’s the last one!
2. Up TOM OR PAUL?
The new series of Celebs Go Dating hits (with Covid-appropriate limitations, in the form of a mansion) and we once more contemplate the ultimate lust dilemma: Paul or Tom? Tom? Or Paul?
3. New in THE MR TUMBLE SCANDAL
Mr T’s co-star, Sarah-jane Honeywell, recently revealed she was ‘hurt’ when she got ‘frozen out’ by the Cbeebies icon, after a 2016 topless shoot (which inspired the tabloid headline: Cboobies).
4. Up JENNIFER CONNELLY
Season two of the unlikely but compelling Snowpiercer arrives on Netflix, thereby a) giving us another precious telly option and b) allowing us to marvel at JC’S profile.
5. Up ASHLEY BANJO
Newly minted (both senses) millionaire. Doubled his fortunes in 2020, making it not such a bad year for him, at least. Well: if you can’t make the big bucks out of back flips – what can you do?
6. Non-mover PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER
Deadlifting in a surgical mask in Los Angeles, an image which, a year ago, would have seemed creepy, now seems hot yet responsible.
7. Down FREDDIE FLINTOFF
Allegedly axed from the Australian incarnation of Take Me Out on account of his accent, which is a crime, because Lancashire accents are officially the sexiest of all.
8. Up KATE MARA
To be clear: we frown upon the affair she has with a pupil in A Teacher (iplayer), it is a blatant abuse of power, if also a fictional one, concocted for our viewing pleasure.
9. Up STEPH’S PACKED LUNCH FT JORDAN
Rumours swirl that Katie Price has won a regular slot on Steph Mcgovern’s Channel 4 show, following her enchanting BBC One doc Harvey And Me. They’re like opposite humans; it would work.
10. New in YVETTE AMOS
Wins the award for best ever Zoom backdrop, following her appearance on BBC Wales. Her dildo = vast improvement on the standard ‘look how clever I am’ book display.