Break free of people-pleasing behaviour

Emma Reed Turrell, author of Please Yourself: How To Stop People-pleasing And Transform The Way You Live (published by 4th Estate on 1 April)

People-pleasing patterns aren’t a quirk of character, they’re strategies we learned as children to keep the adults around us happy. You might still be relying on some at work today, as you try to meet the demands of your bosses and colleagues. But sometimes you can actually curb your potential through the very efforts you make to secure it. Instead, bring your most adult and effective self to work.

So, separate the past from the present. If you can notice that your manager has the same critical tone as your father, or your colleague reminds you of your effortlessly high-achieving sister, you might be re-enacting old drama. Once you spot it, you can interrupt the action and choose a more up-to-date response.

Captain your own ship: peoplepleasers can find themselves graciously accepting opportunities, whether they want what’s on offer or not. Maybe the progression you want at work isn’t the public speaking opportunity you’ve been offered but you would like to mentor members of the team. Tell them. This is your career and it’s not ‘the thought that counts’.

Lastly, own your ‘no’. If we always say yes, we’re effectively training people to expect it. Saying no is your responsibility. If you forego your boundaries to avoid conflict, you can’t blame others when they cross the invisible line.