Chart of lust

1. New in DANIEL KALUUYA’S MUM

Who became a meme – not to mention an Oscar night legend – after her son thanked her and his dad for having sex, thus creating him, in his acceptance speech.

2. Up KATE WINSLET

Just when we started seriously despairing of decent new telly prospects, Mare Of Easttown hits Now and all our prayers are answered. Huzzah!

3. New in AMITA SUMAN

Ah, but not just Mare Of Easttown! Shadow And Bone (Netflix), which stars Amita, is rather good too, especially for those of us who like a nice bit of fantasy.

4. Up MATT SMITH

In a blonde wig, with a sword, on a beach, filming early scenes of the Game Of Thrones prequel, which we will be watching because, as previously established, we do like a bit of fantasy.

5. New in YOUN YUH-JUNG

Won Best Supporting Actress Oscar for Minari; was spotted talking to Brad Pitt afterwards. A journalist asked how he smelled; she replied, ‘I didn’t smell him, I’m not a dog.’

6. New in TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET’S ACTION FIGURE

Developed as merch with reference to real world Chalamet’s role in Dune. ‘I’ve been playing with myself all day,’ the actual-size, flesh Chalamet Instagrammed.

7. Non-mover VICTORIA BECKHAM

On receiving Justin Bieber’s Croc collab – lilac, emblazoned with 3D cartoon characters, quite the statement – and getting the giggles.

8. New in VAN JONES

Political commentator, putative NLI (new love interest; we made that acronym up, it’s the new CHIS) of Kim Kardashian. There may yet be more…

9. New in THE OWNERS OF THIS

A sex toy, discarded in woodland outside Passau in Germany, discovered by a passerby who mistook it for a hand grenade, called out the bomb squad.

10. Down ROBERT CHAPMAN

Attempted to impress a woman on Bumble by bragging about storming the Capitol with the rest of Qanon. She screengrabbed the chat, passed it to the authorities, now: he’s nicked.