Friendeavours: new mums need extra support right now
Check in on your friends who’ve become new mums in the pandemic
i made so many mistakes when I had my first baby. I’m not blaming myself – having your first child is a curveball, to say the least – but I learned so much about my friendships in the process. I vowed to do things very differently, if I had another child.
I gave birth to my second baby last November, in the thick of the pandemic, and I’m glad it was my second. I feel for all the women who became first-time mums during the past year – I felt so lonely when I did it, and I had no idea how to ask for help. I was too ashamed to say I wasn’t coping. I was too scared of the person I’d become: an unrecognisable, angry, sleep-deprived mess. I also wasn’t sure how to network, as a mother. It was hard to get a chat going at the baby groups. I’m terrible at small talk. I had an NCT group of friends, but the set-up was a misfire for me – it was all lovely fluffy oxytocin talk, when the reality of labour was, for me, brutal – and yes, I would rather have known. I felt I couldn’t be properly honest with my NCT friends because we were in touch sporadically, and I was keeping up the ‘shopfront’ at that point of being able to cope, and I felt like the only one having a bad time.
This time around, I know better. First, no one is having a perfect time. Second, I have a support network I planned carefully – a revelation! You can plan this stuff ! And should! I thought about my social health as much as my physical and mental health and I knew I needed certain things in place to survive. Namely, people to rant to, when I needed to rant. People to reassure me that I was doing a good job, when I needed that. People to take the baby away for a few hours for a walk when I needed a break. People to text in the middle of the night when I felt like the only living person left on earth. Parenting is a super-tough job, you can’t be expected to just possess all the skills when you first have a baby. You might have some, but don’t expect to have any – and don’t beat yourself up when you fall short. You need to learn, and you need to give yourself time and support to learn.
The concept of the ‘mum friend’ is a dodgy one, too. Occasionally, it can be useful if you want a steer from someone who’s been on a similar route with breastfeeding, weaning woes, etc. But for reassurance, true insight, a reminder of who you are? You need all your friends, not just the parents. Because while parenting is a hard, specific job, it is just that: a job. And we are much more than our jobs. And we do many jobs in our lives.
I was eventually diagnosed with postnatal depression, but even if it doesn’t tip over into something clinical, the isolation and anxiety are often too real. This is the second annual UK Maternal Mental Health Awareness week. According to the NHS, more than one in 10 women experience postnatal depression, and that figure has spiked during the pandemic. A survey by Mumsnet found that 77% of women they surveyed felt isolated or scared during their pregnancy due to Covid restrictions. Friends of new mums, your job is so important. The focus is too often on the person who’s struggling to ‘reach out’, but women can’t always. Check on your friends who have recently become parents. Be aware they might just be saying they’re fine. Check on them. Really check.
Emma’s new book, ‘After The Storm: Postnatal Depression And The Utter Weirdness Of New Motherhood’ (£8.99, Wellcome) is out 6 May
‘ For a reminder of who you really are, you need all your friends, not just the parents’