The pain after a baby dies is raw, traumatic, devastating...
Ahead of Baby Loss Awareness Week (October 9-15), LISA SALMON finds out why it is so important that we talk about this most difficult subject
WHEN Chrissy Teigen took to social media last week to reveal that she and John Legend, had lost their baby, she went a long way towards smashing the taboo around this most difficult of topics. Writing on Instagram, the 34-year-old, who was expecting her third child with her musician husband, said: “We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before.”
Her words and the accompanying black and white photograph of the couple cradling their son, who they named Jack, brought an outpouring of support and sharing of experiences from women around the world.
The pain of losing a baby is indescribable. Yet it’s a heartbreak that blights the lives of thousands of parents every year – and they may never even find out why their precious baby died.
Baby Loss Awareness Week ( babyloss-awareness.org – BLAW), which runs from October 9-15, is highlighting the fact that around 14 babies die before, during or soon after birth every day, and when you add miscarriages, which happen in about a quarter of pregnancies, it adds up to a huge amount of devastated parents and families. And while there are many causes for the losses, the reason is never established in many cases – for example, the cause of death is not known for as many as four in 10 stillborn babies.
The awareness week is supported by an alliance of more than 90 charities that work in areas linked to baby loss, including the stillbirth and neonatal death charity Sands (sands.org.uk), the premature baby charity Tommy’s (tommys.org) and the cot death charity the Lullaby Trust (lullabytrust.org.uk).
To mark the week this year, a new book, Loving You From Here, has been published by Sands and writer Susan Clark. The book features the moving stories of many families who’ve lost babies, and offers support and guidance to help families cope with the tragedy. “The pain after a baby by dies is raw, traumatic, devastating – people shy away from being near such strong emotions even if it’s their own family or friends who are suffering,” says the chief executive of Sands, Dr Clea Harmer. “To protect themselves, many people choose not to think about or talk about something that feels so difficult.”
Here Dr Harmer discusses the pain of baby loss and why more awareness is needed...
WHY IS BABY LOSS SO DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT?
“DEATH is a difficult topic to talk about, even when it’s someone who’s lived a full life,” says Dr Harmer. “But when death touches birth, it becomes so difficult that many people pretend it doesn doesn’t happen. This is the basis of a taboo – it’s such a diffi difficult and painful su subject that it’s avoided, a and as a result it becomes hidden, with bereaved parents feeling isolated and invisible.
“It’s not the natural o order of things. The b birth of a baby is looked for forward to, and when the birth is a death, or death quickly follows, it feels so unnatural that it’s difficult to think about or talk about.
“As people don’t talk about the fact that babies die, and despite the fact 14 die every day in the UK, many people aren’t aware this happens. “Shared memories are often a way people cope with death and grief. When a baby is stillborn or dies shortly after birth, there are very few memories.”
WHAT’S THE PURPOSE OF LOVING YOU FROM HERE AND BABY LOSS AWARENESS WEEK?
“THE book has been written to try and break the taboo by openly speaking about the issues around baby death and pregnancy loss,” explains Dr Harmer. “Bereaved parents and families often feel invisible and alone in their grief, sometimes believing they are the only ones to have experienced the death of a baby and battling confusion and isolation.
“A book like this allows parents and families to see they’re not alone, that sadly there are many others who’ve experienced what they’ve experienced.” She says the awareness week helps bereaved parents and their families unite with others throughout the world to commemorate their babies’ lives, raise awareness about pregnancy and baby loss, and push for improvements in both care and support for those affected and for the prevention of pregnancy and baby loss.
WHAT’S THE THEME OF THIS YEAR’S BABY LOSS AWARENESS WEEK?
“WE’RE highlighting the isolation many people feel after pregnancy or baby loss,” says Dr Harmer. “The effect of social distancing from Covid-19 has had a major impact on access to care and support and has complicated grief and responses to pregnancy and baby loss.
“We want to let those affected by pregnancy and baby loss know they’re not alone and that we’re all here to support them.”