IT’S A CRACKER! 100 of the best Christmas jokes
Have a very merry Christmas on us with our list of 100 best cracker jokes. There’s snow way you’ll get through these hilarious Christmas crackers without a ‘ho-ho-ho’. Forget the tissue hat and the nail clippers, it’s all about the curled up bit of paper inside the cracker that counts.
● What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm
● What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come
● When do vampires like racing?
When it’s neck and neck
● What’s a dog’s favourite carol?
Bark, the herald angels sing
● What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?
Twerky
● What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes
● What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack
● What do you give a dog for Christmas?
A mobile bone
● Why did the pony need to gargle?
Because it was a little horse
● What’s black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed penguin
● What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even
● What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet
● What’s a horse’s favourite TV show?
Neigh-bours
● What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew-chew train
● Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with
● Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer
● What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days
● How do snowmen get around?
By riding an ‘icicle
● How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger
● Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
● What is the best Christmas present?
A broken drum - you can’t beat it
● What do you call a woman who stands between two goalposts?
Annette
● What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table
● What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backward
● Why did Santa have to go to the hospital?
Because of his poor elf
● What do frogs wear on their feet?
Open toad sandals
● Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrr
● What do you call a blind reindeer?
No eye deer
● What do you call a standing blind reindeer?
Still no eye deer
● How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed?
You’ve got three extra hoes
● What’s yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard
● What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas quacker
● What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick
● Why do birds fly south in the winter?
It’s too far to walk
● What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsillitis
● Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf-taught
● What lies at the bottom of the sea shivering?
A nervous wreck
● Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
Elfis Presley
● How many letters are in the alphabet at Christmas?
25 – there’s no-el
● What did the farmer get for Christmas?
A cowculator
● What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?
● Why can’t a bike stand up by itself?
It’s two-tyred
● What school subject are snakes best at?
Hisssstory
● Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
The outside
● What carol do they sing in the desert?
O Camel Ye Faithful
● What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence
● What happened to Santa when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker
● Who’s Rudolph’s favourite singer?
Beyon-sleigh
● Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
● What do you get if you lie under a
cow?
A pat on the head.
● What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper
● What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
I don’t like sprouts
● What did Adam say the day before
Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.
● What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
He has it toad
● What do you give someone who has everything?
Antibiotics
● Why does your nose get tired in winter?
It runs all day
● What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
● What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
A barber-queue
● What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap
● What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly-Davidson
● Why was the turkey in a band?
He was the only one with drumsticks
● What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees?
Hornaments
● What happened when Santa got stuck in a chimney?
He felt Claus-trophobic
● What has four wheels and flies?
A bin lorry
● How did Scrooge win the football match?
The ghost of Christmas passed