Our plan for Fisher’s Festive Fun put on ice

SOUND the trumpets. Santa’s coming to town. Never mind about the Ruislip Winter Wonderland being cancelled, or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen’s festive failure, I am planning a replacement theme park in Hillingdon to which you are all invited for a modest fee.

Fisher’s Festive Fun will not be staffed by swearing Santas or smoking elves and there will definitely be no mud, because it will be in our garage.

We’ve had a good clear-out at home, one of several declutters this year, so we won’t be short of junk – sorry, gifts – for the children, and I will have a flask of coffee and a family-size tin of biscuits on the go. Minus the custard creams.

Mr F, who has reluctantly agreed to be Father Christmas, is insisting on wearing his monk’s costume (bought for FJ’s birthday party in a Welsh castle in October), which may confuse the children and frighten the reindeer. The latter I’m hoping will be provided by Harefield Dogs’ Trust. I’ve already bought the stick-on antlers.

My Mr F-mas is also threatening to hide a hip flask under his robes – to keep warm in his grotto he says – but I remind him ‘Santa issues’ were part of Mr L-B’s downfall. Well, that, and the ‘chav’ elves having to push a train up a hill while other Santa’s Little Helpers sat around smoking.

That’s according to Facebook comments, which are of course always 100 per cent accurate. Or in The X Factor language, ‘150 per cent’ accurate. So annoying.

Oh no… apparently a new, improved L-B model has opened and I have also been reminded of the long-established London extravaganza in Hyde Park.

Perhaps the Fisher model had better go on ice (ha) for another year. At least we’ll be ready and prepared to save the day.

I HOPE you’ll be supporting one of our local pantomimes. They are great fun for the whole family and can provide a brilliant introduction to live theatre for the very young.

My mum took me to see Cinderella when I was three years old, and I was hooked.

I still lap up the magic and shout, ‘He’s behind you’ at every opportunity in all sorts of places. But never in a quiet train carriage.

Have a great Christmas – and thank you for all your emails this year. Here’s to a healthy and happy 2015.

Catch up at www.getwestlondon. co.uk/authors/barbara-fisher/