Beige? Female comics left me tickled pink

THERE’S been a bit of a theme running through my week. It’s all been about feisty women.

First the mesmerising ladies singles final: no, not Wimbledon, but the Theresa and Andrea volleys in the Tory leadership contest.

I loved the joke doing the rounds in which Andrea Leadsom said criticism of her CV was ridiculous as ‘I didn’t have to put up with this when I was an astronaut!’

Women are generally good at laughing at themselves, particularly in the company of other females, and I had the best evening for ages at the Beck Theatre in Hayes, for Return of the Grumpy Old Women: Fifty Shades of Beige.

Jenny Eclair, Susie Blake and Kate Robbins produced hilarious anecdotes and sketches for a packed theatre of (mostly) women. Eclair did offer sympathy though to the handful of men, saying she supposed they were there because they had done something wrong – but she guessed they didn’t know what it was.

The stereotypical view of women – young and old – obsessed with selfies and Botox and men’s chests (shaved), was smashed by this audience who revelled in jokes against their gender.

There were sketches about big knickers, onesies, trendy diets, dry Januarys (“shut up and let me enjoy my glass of wine”), and the obsession with the ‘American abomination’, cupcakes. A guide to nagging was handy, as was a top tip for hormonal mood swings. “Always have a banana ready for when your blood sugar levels get so low that you’re heading for an Asbo,” said Eclair, somehow keeping a straight face.

The quest for a new James Bond (to be called Jane) was funny, as was the Strictly Mum Dancing, which made me remember my signature moves that Fisher Junior once advised me to drop. Apparently I click my fingers in an embarrassing fashion.

Back home I read about a move to ban drivers after a certain age. Over 70s not drive? I’d like to see them tell that to any number of grumpies, including Joanna Lumley and Helen Mirren, Judi Dench and the Queen, who would all be banned.

As we’re all going to live to over 100, 70 is apparently the ‘new 50’ anyway.

Good luck to Theresa May in her new job as Prime Minister. Imagine taking over a whole country. I am presently struggling to cope with a new phone …