The case of the lurking cat and murky woman

IHAD just finished slathering fake tan over my arms ready for the big summer reveal, and was settling at my laptop while it dried, when the doorbell rang. I’m not a great fan of the dark mahogany all-over spray tan, but, because I am naturally as white as a cod loin, I aim for light beige before unveiling my arms to the world.

So there I was, covered in a dark brown muddy-looking concoction (it showers off the next day to leave a barely noticeable off-white colour) when the bell went again.

It was only about 8pm, but I had shut down for the evening, and had even locked up prematurely, hoping this might prevent me from popping down for too many snacks or wine top-ups, if the writing stalled.

Mr F was somewhere else in the house, reading and, I knew, oblivious to any sounds like phones, doorbells or force 10 gales. He didn’t even hear an uprooted tree fall on to a nearby house recently, even though it shook everything for miles around.

So, I tumbled down the stairs – almost literally. On a recent holiday I tripped down two, and ended up with a bloody nose and severe bruising. I’m now trying to be careful before ‘falling over’ becomes ‘having a fall’ and I get whipped in for tests.

I was surprised to see concerned neighbours on the doorstep. They were worried about our daughter’s cat, which we had been looking after for a week. Apparently he was hanging around street corners. Probably smoking.

I was grateful (readers will remember we had a panic when we first looked after him and he went missing, and our neighbours organised a search party), but also very puzzled, as Jangles had been returned to his owners a few days before – many miles away.

“But it’s a big ginger tom,” they said. “But I saw them drive away with him,” I insisted.

We kept on like this for a while, until we agreed that more action would be taken the following day if he hadn’t found his way home.

Back indoors, I passed a mirror to see a grubby-looking mad woman reflected back at me. How on earth did my neighbours manage to keep a straight face? I had totally forgotten about the fake tan.

Expect to see me featured on TVs Neighbours from Hell any time soon.