Boyd’s CRYSTAL BALL
My (Not Entirely Serious) TV Predictions for 2017
PREDICTION 1 The Golden Girls reboot
Fresh on the back of reboots of classic TV comedies Will &
Grace, Roseanne and, we mustn’t forget, Birds Of A Feather, Netflix jumps on the nostalgia bandwagon and commissions a revival of classic ’80s series The Golden Girls. Sadly, only Betty White (Rose) from the original cast is still alive, but the producers will use CGI technology to recreate her buddies Blanche, Sophia and Dorothy.
PREDICTION 2 Marvel’s Agents meet The Defenders and Inhumans
Taking inspo from all those Marvel ensemble shows that are way too complicated to keep track of, they decide to merge them all together in a new 52-part series called Marvel’s Inhuman Defender Agents
Of SHIELD showing on 5*. No one watches it all.
PREDICTION 3 Channel 5 goes back to the Borderline
Following on from the first two series of one of its very few scripted comedies, Channel 5 will commission a third run of its airport-set sitcom Borderline, and will give it the plum Sunday night 2am slot, when it will air all four-and-a-half episodes in one go, with a simulcast on obscure digital portal 5-Whatever.
PREDICTION 4 Clarkson, Hammond & May: The Album
Hot on the heels of hit albums by ageing TV blokes like Nick Knowles and Bradley Walsh, the ultimate gang of ageing TV blokes – Jezza Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond – will release their own collection of cover versions of car-based songs, including Driving In
My Car by Madness and The Cars’ Drive. It goes to No1 and stays there forever.
PREDICTION 5 Piers Morgan’s Transgender Hell
As a reward for his myriad rants about how trans people can “identify as a giraffe if they want” and stuff, ITV creates a special weekly feature for Piers on Good Morning
Britain, in which he sits there thumbing through the papers getting confused and annoyed about the world and people who are different to him.
PREDICTION 6 Krankies On Crack
Leading on from Gordon Ramsay On
Cocaine and ITV’S pensioners-takedrugs series Gone To Pot, they commission a new series in which Janette and Ian Krankie (both now 70) tour the crack dens of America’s inner cities. Rumours that To Me To You: The Chuckle Brothers On Ecstasy will follow later in the year are yet to be confirmed.