WALLIAMS CHATS TO HEAT
TV’S official best judge tells Boyd Hilton about the return of BGT, flying on Simon Cowell’s private jet and bring-your-dog-to-work day
The morning we sit down to discuss the upcoming new series of Britain’s
Got Talent, David Walliams has just returned home from a skiing holiday with real-life friend Jack Whitehall. “He made me laugh the whole time and called me ‘Ducky’,” says David. But there were a couple of issues he’d like to address. First of all, David explains, Jack has “the longest underarm hair I’ve ever seen in my life.” This revelation occurred in an après ski hot-tub situation. “I suggested he trim it,” David adds. “I even offered to do it myself.”
The other thorny topic for Walliams was that everyone they bumped into wanted to get a selfie. With Jack. And not David. It got to the point where Walliams would have to plead for some attention while hordes of Whitehall fans queued up to get a picture with him. “If anyone reads this and meets two famous people together, please ask both of them for their picture, just to be nice,” says David.
He then tells the story of how he was on holiday with ex-friends star David Schwimmer last year (he does socialise with non-a-listers sometimes, honest) and they happened to bump into David Beckham. Walliams understandably took the opportunity to get a photograph of himself, Becks and Schwimmer together, when he caught Victoria Beckham’s eye. “She looked at me as if to say, ‘Aren’t you going to ask me to be in the photo, too?’ But I wanted the three Davids!”
But enough of this starry holiday reminiscence, we’ve got BGT issues to discuss… How does it feel to be back in BGT mode? I’ve been doing it for six years now, so it feels natural. It’s like
when you go home to see your mum and you automatically regress back to behaving like a child. That’s how I am on
BGT. I immediately become the annoying person I always am on the show. The thing that always surprises me is just how excited everyone gets. I think because they get to see Simon, Alesha, Amanda and Ant and Dec [at the auditions, which were filmed before Ant went back into rehab], the audiences feel they’re at a big event. So you get all the shouting and screaming, which doesn’t normally happen when I’m on my own. It’s like the circus has come to town. What was it like taking Simon’s private jet to the auditions? Well, it would have been quicker to get to Manchester on the train. But instead, we had to get a car to Luton airport, then we’re in the air for literally about a minute, then we land and get a car from Manchester airport to the venue. So there’s no saving in time whatsoever, and the whole journey is way more expensive. But it is good fun. And the good thing about being on Simon’s jet is that it’s a rare chance for us to talk without being filmed. There are some things we occasionally need to say to each other that aren’t necessarily for consumption on ITV, so it’s a relief to have a chat when we’re not being recorded. How does it feel to have your every move filmed? It’s weird. You can be having a nice gossip while you’re getting your make-up done or something, and suddenly you notice the camera trained on you. The other day, someone asked me, “David, do you think you’ll ever get married again?” And I was answering, then suddenly I saw the camera and I was like, “Sorry, I didn’t realise this was for the public record!” What was Simon like when you got the Tube to the London auditions? Simon arrived at the station in his chauffeur-driven Rolls-royce. Most people walk there from their house, right? I’m the only one out of all of us who has an Oyster card, and he doesn’t know how it works, so he’s totally reluctant and miserable throughout the whole thing. But I had a great time and did some pole dancing in the carriage, which I like to do whenever I go on the Tube. But they filmed it in such a way that we didn’t really interact with any members of the public. We took over a carriage with security and all the cameras and stuff, and had the whole thing to ourselves. I doubt whether Simon had ever got the Tube before, though. What kind of mood has he been in this series? Pretty good. Being a dad has lightened him up. He seems more playful. He got up on the stage a couple of times. He still gets reluctant sometimes, and if I say something funny that he doesn’t like, he’ll still roll his eyes, sigh and go, “Oh, God.” Is he still showing up late? There’s always a time when he shows up late for an audition show. And then he arrives like Lazarus rising from the dead, so the audience is even more excited than normal to see him. It happens once a year. It’s odd. There have been pictures in the papers of the judges and Ant & Dec supposedly looking tense, and stories claiming you had rows. Did you ever fall out with each other? Never. We didn’t have any rows. It’s like when they print a picture of you blinking and they claim you’re drunk, or something. There were no arguments of any kind. How have Alesha and Amanda been? Well, I never know which is which! [Laughs.] Here’s the thing: I think I’m very low-maintenance. I arrive wearing what I’ll wear for the show, get some make-up on and that’s it – I’m ready to go. But they have their “teams”, their “glam squads” and all that kind of stuff. So I spend a lot of time wondering when they’ll be ready. But they’ve both been on cracking form this series. And we do all get on. It would be hard to do this kind of show with someone who you didn’t like. [Pause.] Maybe I’m the one everyone else doesn’t like! Didn’t you have a big party on the last day of auditions? Yes, they arranged an end-of-term party. It was huge, with loads of food and drink, and it was only the four of us there. So that was odd. But I did slow dance with Simon, which was a first. Was that the longest time you’ve been in such close contact with him? No, that was when we made love that time. Although that was a mistake. How does he smell? He smells lemony. He’s always very clean. He bathes a few times a day. What’s the most surprising thing he’s said to you recently? Last time I saw him, he was trying to fix me up with Sinitta, who’s single now. Imagine if that happened? She’d have gone from Brad Pitt, to Simon Cowell, to me. That’s a steep decline! What kind of woman would go out with us three? How did Simon react when you won Best Judge again at the NTAS? Well, I made sure I brought in not only that award, but also the award I won three years ago. He wasn’t happy about it. He thinks it’s like the American election of a few years ago when it was incredibly close, but George Bush won over Al Gore. He says there should be a recount and that there should be an investigation into it at the highest level. But the thing is, being a judge on TV talent shows is all he does, and he still can’t win. What do you think the British public is trying to tell him? Did your dog Bert visit the show much? We had a take-your-dog-to-work day, and Bert was by far the best behaved. Dec’s dog will have your finger off if you’re not careful. He’s got this little sausage dog, but Dec is so small, he can actually ride around on its back.
‘Dec has a little sausage dog, but he’s so tiny, he could ride it’
[Cackles.] Ant’s got a lovely, big, soppy chocolate labrador, and Alesha and Amanda have these little Sharon Osbourne-style yappy dogs. Simon’s dogs Squiddly and Diddly aren’t trained at all and just run riot. And I’ve got Bert, who doesn’t make a fuss, and is beautiful and loving. Bert is the best. Do you have a favourite moment during your whole time of filming BGT? I love the funny, naughty, off-the-cuff moments. There was one thing I said that didn’t make it into the final cut of the show, when we had Mr Gay UK auditioning. He did his act, then when it was time for our comments, I said to Simon, “And now over to Mr Bi-curious UK!” And finally – what’s the weirdest act so far this year? We had a lady who claimed to “read” asparagus – an asparagologist – which I did not know was a thing. Basically, we all had to toss our asparaguses and then she read how they fell. This is the sort of entertainment we put in front of the British public! Britain’s Got Talent returns Saturday 14 April at 8pm on ITV