AFTER YOUR 1,000TH WILLY, THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME
Dr Christian Jessen tells Katie Holloway that love is a trick, and why we should be careful with Champagne bottles…
Iwould f***ing slay in heels” is a typical tweet from Dr Christian Jessen. The 41 year old is not the stuffy, unapproachable GP your nan gets her flu shot from. Christian is the guy who takes on Twitter beef with relish, whose contagious naughtiness sees him invited on panel shows, and whose warmth moves people to tears on W Channel’s Dr Christian: Special Clinics.
On Embarrassing Bodies, he let us take a peek at all the things we pretended we didn’t want to see (but really, really did), but on his current show, the good doctor delves into the more emotional issues. Focusing on a different theme each week – from infertility and pregnancy, to injured service members – Christian plays the twin roles of counsellor and GP. So, who could be more perfect to help us with heartache in February – the official month of love? And while he’s there, we’ve got this funny itch downstairs he might be able to help with…
Let’s dive straight in at the deep end. What’s the goriest STI you’ve ever seen?
I dare you, at work, to Google pictures for something called lymphogranuloma venereum. It is, in a nutshell, a form of invasive chlamydia. Chlamydia is a bog-standard STI – very common – but this version of chlamydia is an invasive one. This actually gets into your tissues and eats it away. If you Google image it, you won’t sleep for about a week. I’m just putting that warning in now. I have seen a few cases of that, I saw a lot of cases when I worked in Africa. Believe you me, it’s really horrific.
Is it curable?
It is, thank god. But we do have this massive problem with gonorrhoea now, we’ve got strains that are resistant to all known antibiotics. So, it is essentially incurable. I’m sure it’s not long before chlamydia goes the same way and then we really are f***ed – literally.
Do your celeb friends ever send dodgy pictures for you to diagnose?
All the time! Of course, I can’t tell you who,
‘I’ve been desperately in love and it was unrequited – it was painful’
because of confidentiality reasons but, yes, a lot. It always baffles me, because I bet lawyers don’t get this. Doctors somehow are obliged to look after all their family and friends’ health problems… it’s not fair! I know more about my friends then I think anyone should possibly know about their friends. Some of my mates have rules and say, “Nothing from the nipples to the knees”. Others are no-holds barred. They’re like, “I’ve got this, what do I do?”
Have you ever diagnosed someone on the spot?
Sometimes I find myself in a bit of an ethical conundrum where I’ve been on the Tube, looked at someone, and thought, “Oh my god, that’s a dodgy-looking mole.” Do I have an ethical responsibility to say, “That looks really quite sinister, I think you need to get that checked out”? And I never know what to do. Are they going to punch me for saying that? Is it just a bit of chocolate?
That is a tricky one…
I did do it once, though, with Bill Nighy. He has a condition called Dupuytren’s contracture, and it basically means the tendons and tissues in his hands tighten up. I remember meeting him before he knew he had it. I shook his hand and I knew immediately, so said, “Oh, you’ve got Dupuytren’s!” and he went, “You what?” He hadn’t known what it was, but actually he was so grateful. He thought it was arthritis.
Do patients ever flirt with you?
I work in sexual health, so you often have to examine people, and there can be this awful moment with some guys – and this happens to all doctors, by the way – where I think they’re sitting there going, “Oh f***, please don’t get an erection now, please don’t get an erection now,” and trying to pull their trousers up really quickly. I always do a very tactful thing and leave the room to “get more swabs”. But I always feel sorry for them, because you just know they’re sitting there going, “The worst thing that could possibly happen now is that I get an erection… OH SHIT!”
Is there a science behind love?
Someone once asked me on Twitter what love is – and this is going to kill your Valentine’s, I’ll tell you now – and my answer was that it’s a trick of your genes. Love is a trick that biology or evolution has to get us to shag each other and stay together. Because what is the point of life if not to have kids and further your DNA? So, brilliant old biology in its clever way figured out that, well, love is the answer! And that’s quite clever really, isn’t it? Although that’s a desperately unromantic answer.
A little… So, what about heartache? Tell us you have a magic cure…
There is only one cure for heartache – other than chocolate – and that is time. But it is a real thing and, God, we’ve all experienced it. I’ve been desperately in love with someone and it was totally unrequited. The pain of that, there is nothing else like it. The only thing I can compare it to, actually, is loss. The death of a loved one. My dog got run over a few years ago and I have never experienced emotional pain like it. The only thing that came close to it was the heartache of unrequited love. It’s a horrible, painful thing. But actually, would we not have it? No, I don’t think we’d be without it.
Do you have any flirting tips for us? Can biology help?
Yes! If you watch me in the clinic, I use body language a lot to get people to talk to me. I’m doing it consciously and it has a very subconscious effect on the person. You’ll notice I’ll sit back and relax,
and then I’ll lean forward showing I’m really engaged, I’m really listening, and I honestly care – and I do mean it, it’s not in a disingenuous way. So, for flirting – yes, touching your ear, flicking your hair – we pick up on these signals, even if we don’t realise it. It does work, and you can learn these things and put them into practice, which I think is really devious and manipulative – although I do it in clinics, to be fair!
Speaking of Special Clinics, it’s much more emotionally driven than Embarrassing
Bodies. Was that a conscious choice for you?
Yeah, it was. Embarrassing Bodies ran for eight years, and I just felt we’d done that, we’d seen that. There was almost a fatigue about willies and boobies. When you’ve seen your 1,000th willy, they do all start to look the same, I can assure you. What I was trying to get across was, I suppose it was an attack on the NHS and the eight-ten minute GP appointment, and I was trying to show that being ill can be so complex. Illness affects relationships, it affects self-esteem. I think it’s the underlying emotions now that are really fascinating, and I want to see that on telly. We get enough nudity on Love Island.
You love tweeting along with the show, and having a few Twitter arguments…
A lot of people argue with me. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but then everyone is entitled to have their opinion ridiculed if it is ridiculous! I don’t profess to know everything, so I’m only going to interact with things that I definitely do know about, because otherwise I’d look a bit stupid. But my god, the antivaxxers [parents who are against vaccinations]. People say, “Don’t feed the trolls,” but I think it’s important to, because there will be parents on the sidelines who might have heard the odd rumour that there’s some link between MMR and autism – I should say clearly now, there isn’t a link. But that’s why I engage, because it’s not about the people ranting, it’s about the people watching on the sidelines that will make up their own mind, hopefully in the right direction.
Well, we love seeing your sassy side…
They always say about doctors that our humour is quite dark and the clinic is heavy, emotionally draining stuff. You need to vent somewhere. I’ve always found it amazing that doctors don’t get therapists. So maybe Twitter is my sort of therapy!
What would be your ideal Valentine’s date?
Hmm, it’s changed a lot now I’m 40-something. I like a nice restaurant and a really good bottle of wine, and if you can get a private dining room, even better. I’m not a great cook, so staying at home is not really an option, but a really good restaurant… I think food and sex and love are so closely connected. If you think about sex, it’s all about sights and smells and tastes. Women are particularly driven by the whole build-up, it’s very important – so I’m told, I’m not very good with women! Men are much more instantaneous, so I suppose I’m more feminine in that way. I enjoy the slow build-up.
Have any of your patients ever had a horror date story?
I had a lady who was in her seventies, with a Champagne bottle cork stuck up her vagina after a rather enthusiastic date. This was all consensual, I should say. She decided that it might be quite fun that they would stick a Champagne bottle up her – the cork came out, and she couldn’t get it out. She came in to see me, unfortunately, about a week later, because she couldn’t pluck up the courage to do it sooner – so it wasn’t very pleasant.
How did you keep a straight face during the appointment?
You’ve never seen a cork that has been stuck up a vagina for a week, have you? It wouldn’t make you laugh, I can promise you that.