In bed with the judge
The ‘Judge’ talks to Jordan Paramor about flirting with Andrew Scott and holidaying with Robbie Williams
His farts smell like a supermarket meat counter, he assesses you with a brutal side-eye, and snores loudly enough to shake a room, but we still can’t help but find him utterly adorable…
Of course, we’re talking about Robert’s dog Rocco here, not at all attempting to make an obvious/lame joke. Judge Rinder’s five-year-old French Bulldog, who he affectionately refers to as Doglet, is the star of today’s shoot, and his 41-year-old owner is happy to let him share the limelight. “Rocco is incredibly judgemental and I definitely think he’s channelling me in some way,” Rob laughs. “He refuses to drink water from tin bowls, they have to be porcelain, and when I take him to
the park on a Sunday morning, he barks at anyone who is looking dishevelled while doing the walk of shame. He knows what he does and doesn’t like.”
Discerning dogs aside, we have so much to ask the judge, we barely know where to start. And, as usual, we have to try and shoehorn at least one Benedict Cumberbatch question in there… You’ve got a current affairs show, The Robert Rinder Verdict, starting. Fill us in… It’s kind of an open-minded look at the world, where I’m meeting everyone from A list down to the bottom of the alphabetti spaghetti of celebrity. It’s a non-social media, non-politically biased look at what’s going on around the world, with clips and things you won’t have seen. We look at big issues and explore them, and I get to try out some fascinating things. Such as? As an example, I’m going to be looking at death pods in Venice with Tom Allen, and living off grid with Bez from the Happy Mondays, who’s completely organic and tries to be carbon neutral – apart from on the weekend, when he drives his Mercedes and does chemical drugs. He’s amazing. I love female grime artists, so Katherine Ryan and I are working out whether the male grime artists can be as good as the females, rather than them talking about the acquisition of cars and watches and “banging pussy”. In fact, Katherine, Big Narstie and I did our own grime piece and I rap. It’s quite something. How were your rapping skills? I don’t want to say I was good because
that is for other people to decide, but I would say I was bitchin’. Honestly, we’re exploring all sorts of things. I’m not good at dating, so I think we’re going to do something where my mum finds me a date to go on. Would you trust your mum to set you up on a date? No. She’s smart and has great instincts about people, but we have slightly different tastes. Except for Andrew Scott. [Sighs] I met him at the BAFTAS, but it was a disaster. I got his number and started texting him, but I’m bonkers when I fancy someone, it goes from zero to crazy in two seconds. Someone described me as Hugh Grant in Four Weddings And A Funeral on acid. I ended up asking Andrew if he wanted to go to Ouagadougou, the capital of Burkina Faso in West Africa, on the fourth text. That’s what I do. I can’t close the deal and as soon as there’s any risk of rejection, I find myself saying all sorts of stuff. I’ve done hours of legal work for people when all I wanted was a date. I’ve ended up filling in people’s employment tribunal appeals, or doing their tax returns. That’s an unusual chat-up technique… I know. “Hello, do you have any legal problems I could help with?” But you’ve got a good history of setting other people up? I have. I’ve set up five people who have gone on to get married. I want to do some more now. What I’m thinking of doing now is looking at the obituaries, and then waiting a respectable year before I write or email to see if they’re ready to date again. Who would you love to come on your chat show? My top three would be Lizzo, as I want to be her. Michelle Obama, obvs. And it would be interesting to have Trump on, even though I think he’d be a terrible guest. I’m going through my phone at the moment, looking at everyone from Benedict to Brooker, so we’ll see what happens. Brilliant! You’ve opened the door for the traditional heat Benedict Cumberbatch question. How is he? He’s fine, and I’ve never had sex with him. That was going to be our next question, thanks for making it less awkward. Changing the subject slightly, did you watch Love Island? Some of it. I dipped my toe in and got increasingly pulled in. It’s a bit like work, watching other people’s toxic relationships and break-ups. I do wish it would be a bit more diverse. Not just sexually, but everyone’s got shiny hair and six-packs and it doesn’t look like real life. It’s basically Instagram with under-the-sheets shagging. Amy from Love Island wants to go on Judge Rinder. Would you let her? She’d have to bring a real case. If she’s got a real case, I’d happily hear her in my court. Or we could just go to lunch and talk about her experience on Love Island. Who could she sue? Curtis, for breaking her heart? Well, now, I’ve got an opinion on him. He put out into the public square that he wouldn’t rule out dating a guy, and then people got cross when he was asked about it on GMB. I think it’s problematic for him to get cross because he put it out there in the first place. As much as I love Love Island, it is very much a straights-only space. Before you go in, you understand that you’re only able to have a relationship with somebody of the opposite sex. It delights in its hetrosexual-ness, which is odd for a generation that increasingly, like Curtis, chooses to reject labels. Some people found the line of questioning quite full-on… People in the younger demographic think that one’s sexuality is as relevant as the size of your big toe – I think that’s brilliant and advanced and likely to make it safer for gays and trans people. I reject all forms of labels, but if you’re bi, say you’re bi. The reason people were questioning Curtis was because the gay
communities are very open to being exploited. I guess GMB were asking Curtis the question, because they were sceptical that he was trying to appeal to as many people as possible. But I mean, boy bands have done that for years. Take That did their first two years in gay clubs. I was on holiday with Robbie Williams recently and he mentioned it. [Pauses] Clunk. I just name dropped. How come you were on holiday with robbie williams? I was away with Susanna Reid because we go on holiday together every year, and she knows Robbie’s wife Ayda, so we ended up spending time together. Robbie is so nice and Ayda is incredible. She’s genuinely funny, bright and clever. I would marry her. would you ever do a celeb version of Judge rinder? No, because the content has to be 100 per cent authentic. The show would die a death if there was any suggestion it was fakery. I would do a one-off special for Comic Relief, though. We could have the Gallagher brothers on. They could start the case off in court and finish it outside with chairs. what do you think of the Strictly line-up this year? Well, obviously I like Jamie Laing, because people tweet that I look like his dad or his much older brother and I think it’s a real compliment. I wonder if looking like someone qualifies you for a portion of their trust fund? Jamie and I have exchanged messages and I’ve wished him the best. I’m hoping some of the Judge Rinder fans will follow him. Hasn’t he just broken up with somebody? Apparently they’re rocky, and people are blaming it on the Strictly curse… Oh, please. The show hasn’t even started, and there’s no such thing as the Strictly curse anyway. He’ll probably end up with a dancer for a short period. I could definitely set him up with someone. That’s going to be my mission for next year. talking of dating, can you explain the story of how you bumped into Harry Styles in the gym, then apparently asked his mum out? I have subsequently taken his mum out.
what? OK, start at the beginning… I go to a gym, I’m not going to say where, but it’s the type of place where nobody would take a selfie. Harry came into a class and he was a bit late. Somebody had taken his spot, so he waited for the next class, and I saw him through the glass politely helping the staff carry towels. I started speaking to him after, and I don’t know what happened but I told him I thought he was well brought up and that I’d
‘Obviously i like Jamie Laing, people say i look like his dad’
have children if they turned into him. Then I said, “But they wouldn’t turn into you, they’d be on crack. You must have such a wonderful mum.” Rather than being normal, I then suggested that I marry her. I was cringing so much, but I couldn’t stop myself. And then?
I ended up messaging his mum and inviting her to the show and she is a complete and utter delight. We got on well and went out for dinner in London with some friends. I’m not declaring I’m going on Bake Off or anything, but I’ve always wanted to bake, and she has promised me that she and her friend are going to teach me. I’m going to learn to make cakes with Harry Styles’ mum. Your gym sounds ridiculously fancy. Do you worry about bumping into other celebs when you’re all sweaty? I don’t because it’s part of the culture and climate there. I was once in the gym with Harry Styles, David Beckham, Benedict Cumberbatch and George Osborne, and nobody looked at each other or cared. Although people do get excited around David Beckham, to be fair. n
The Rob Rinder Verdict starts on Channel 4 on Friday 30 August at 10pm