WE PICK UP RUSSELL KANE
The high-energy funny man talks to Lucie Cave about fake tan, celebrity crushes and Love Island
His stand-up sets are such a super-charged comedy whirlwind that one reviewer recently described him as a “comedic exorcist”. And, on the set of heat ’s photo shoot, Russell Kane is demonstrating even more supernatural powers by stretching his legs so wide apart, his bum is kissing the floor (he has a condition called “hypermobility syndrome”, which means he’s extra-bendy as well as extrahyper). This heat interviewer has been roped-in (literally) to play the part of the granny playing tug of war with him and he’s straining from the effort with some very impressive facial contortions.
The 44 year old admits he only had actual muscles for a brief period at school, when he tried weight-lifting after being coaxed by his gym-obsessed dad. “It was the only time I’ve been confident about my body. I used to ride around on my bike covered in baby oil convinced all the girls were looking at me,” he smirks. “But I was still a virgin and stayed a virgin for some time after.” His stories about growing up with his late dad, a beefcake sheet-metal worker called Dave, are so funny and captivating, they formed a big part of his seminal tour Smokescreens And Castles, for which Russell made history, winning both the Edinburgh Comedy Festival Award and the Melbourne Comedy Festival’s Barry Award in one year. Now, Dave is the subject of a book, Son Of A Silverback (Bantam Press, £16.99), which Russ calls, “A sideways way of telling my story, through a biography of my dad,” and it’s a brilliant mix of embarrassing coming-of-age incidents that manages to be both tragic and hilarious.
As we sit down for our chat, he remarks that we (still dressed in our granny get-up) remind him of someone. “You look like a cross between a Russian peasant and the Queen,” he laughs. Anyway, on with the questions…
Thanks for that compliment… Well, I like feisty older women – they remind me of my nan.
Your book talks about the importance of the women in your life, but it’s set against the looming presence of your late dad. Can you describe your relationship with him? It was the equivalent of Ann Widdecombe going on holiday with the Geordie Shore lot. I loved my dad, but we had nothing in common. We were from different planets. I loved books and studying, and he thought a Penguin Classic was a chocolate biscuit. What were you like at school? I didn’t even snog a girl before I was 17, I had Popeye’s forearm because I was masturbating so much. My dad built a gym at the bottom of the garden out of sheet metal and thought I would go there and do masculine things, but it backfired – apart from a brief stint of trying to lift weights. To me, it just became an area where I wasn’t observed. I found out I could copy dancers off the telly and do all the things he hated. He had this paranoia that I was going to grow up gay. You didn’t have much luck with the ladies growing up, though... There was an Italian boy at school called “Daaavid”, who was really bronzed, and all the girls fancied him. I thought if I was tanned like David, it would be a punani tsunami. So, I decided to give myself a spray tan. But I was 14 years old, and this was the first generation of fake tans that made you go bright orange. I was in my dad’s gym and he caught me... the door swung open and I had my arse out, naked, with an Alice band on, my genitals in tights and I was putting make-up all over my body. My dad didn’t know what to do! What did he say? He couldn’t get his words out and he just stuttered, “Gay... tan.” So my nickname was Gaytan for three years afterwards. These days, you’re happily married to Lindsay – how did you meet? She was in the front row of my gig in Cheshire seven years ago. [Pauses and gets serious for a bit.] But this shows how much the climate has changed, because I can tell you now, if I was a single stand-up comedian, I would not date anyone who came to a show. I don’t care what anyone says, but I don’t think any man or woman should date anyone in their audience, no matter how old they are, because there’s an incorrect power difference. How can I ever say there wasn’t? [Stops and grins.] So, technically, I’m in a #metoo marriage. So, what happened? I went onstage and saw a pretty girl in the front row, with her mum and dad, so I was horrible to her in the way boys are when they really like someone. She had a fake fur jacket on, so I decided to pretend it was real fur and got the audience to boo. I was really vile to her! I took the piss, saying she was so posh that when she waxed, mink fur came off her body. So, I lay on the floor in birthing position, put this fur coat on my pelvis – throwing my pretend vagina wax into her mum and dad’s faces! How did you actually get together after that? Two weeks after the gig, I decided to tweet the word “Minky” randomly and Lindsay’s friend Rachel saw it and told her. We
ended up direct messaging and then she said, “Have you got a phone number?” And she just called me and said [puts on a Manchester accent], “I’m sorry, I’m not like other girls, I don’t do all this DM shite…” A year later, we were engaged. And on the inside of my wedding ring, it says, “You had me at minky.” My wedding ring has diamonds in it – I call this a northern wedding ring because it sparkles from an extra ten metres. Your daughter Mina is four years old – does she take after you? Yes, she’s mental, attentionseeking, Satanic. When we go past a church, the holy water makes her skin sizzle. When she was being born, cockroaches ran out of the hospital. She is full-on from the moment her eyes open. How does she compare to you as a baby? My mum was a teenager living in a council house when she had me, and I was like this professor who had popped out of her, wanting to know everything and she didn’t know what to do with me. She looks at Mina and says, “That’s justice.” How are you with her as a dad, compared to the way your dad was with you? Mina has a whole wall covered in books and loves them and I answer every question she asks fully. If she asks what happens when we die, she gets told. If it’s where do babies come from, she gets told. I remember the frustration of being patronised. what are you like at home? I’m happiest in my PJS, just me and Mina. If I could wave a wand, so I didn’t feel the need to do stand-up any more, I would be a stay-at-home parent. Lindsay is the most amazing mum, but she has her own business [the eyelash company Lash Unlimited] and I would love her to be able to concentrate on that a bit more. Believe it or not, I love cleaning and cooking. Do you ever argue about domestic stuff? It’s the only argument we have. I always know which room she is in – there’s a bra, there’s a wet towel. Ah, she’s in the lounge. I think she’s got a gun loaded with all of her stuff that she just shoots like Al Pacino at the end of Scarface. [Does machine gun noises.]
Whereas my socks are like Ted Bundy’s – all folded by the mirror. what do you do for romance? The cinema or box sets are our date nights. And we lived for Love Island. We’d saved up for a posh holiday in the Seychelles and I was begging my friends at ITV to give me the codes to use the editors’ portal so I could watch it while we were away. We were sitting in the reception of a five-star Seychelles hotel sharing a headphone each, watching Love Island with mosquitoes eating us instead of having cocktails at the bar. You love pop culture and your “Kanein” videos get thousands of views – what’s your take on Coleen rooney vs rebekah vardy? The day after it broke, I was doing an interview with The Sun, so I was in the building with the story buzzing off the walls. I’m never sure whether it’s Vardy herself, or Sam Bailey from The X Factor – they’re the same person, just saying. Have you ever seen them in a side-by-side photo? Coleen has gone up in everyone’s estimation now she’s wagatha Christie… Well, people thought she would tolerate anything – she’d come in and see Wayne’s arse going up and down and say, “If you’re going to shag, can you please do it in the dining room, the kids are at home.” She might take shit from Wayne, but [wags his finger] she don’t take it from no bitch! Are there any other celebs who you love? I like the fact that Piers Morgan doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks of him – not that I agree with anything he says. I’m a bit obsessed with Janet Streetporter. I always feel secure if there’s a feisty older female. Davina Mccall is the hottest woman over 50 on the planet. I have a crush on her. And I’d quite like Lorraine Kelly to live in my house, so she could cheer me up. Wouldn’t you love it if, every time you were feeling shit, you just pulled a hatch and Lorraine’s head was there saying, “Have a wee hug from Auntie Lorraine!” what’s the motto you live your life by? It’s from my nan, “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you’re a c**t.” n
Son Of A Silverback is out now. Buy tickets for The Fast And The Curious tour at Russellkane.co.uk