How to help a friend who’s struggling with their mental health
How to help a friend who is struggling with their mental health
‘A depressed person often doesn’t know they need help’
It’s safe to say that many of us probably aren’t feeling our best during this global bin-fire of anxiety and gloom. Not knowing when it will end, and being unable to see or hug our loved ones is tough, especially if you know someone who could really use some affection right now because their mental health is in tatters.
Often, we don’t know how to help or what to do or say, especially if we’re nervous about making someone feel worse by bringing up upsetting stuff. Kate Lucey, author of Get A Grip, Love (HQ, £14.99) – who has experienced depression first-hand – explains how you can reach out and really help a friend in need. “Even though you can’t give them the squishy hug and soothing forehead-kiss that you really want to right now, there are things you can do to help out a pal who’s depressed,” she says. “As a depressive myself, I know what it’s like to be the ‘struggling friend’, and how gestures that may seem tiny to you, can actually make all the difference.”
There’s no magic solution
“Firstly, if you’re on the receiving end of someone telling you that they’re really struggling, it can be overwhelming,” says Kate. “It’s natural to feel like you want to ‘fix them’, and find a magic pill or bandage or sandwich that’ll make it better. Know this: it’s not on you to ‘fix’ them. Nothing you say will cure their depression, but you can provide comfort and friendship. Listening is one of the most effective things you can do to help. Simply telling them that you didn’t realise they were struggling, and asking them to tell you what it feels like, helps.”
What to ask
Kate reckons, “It’s likely that a depressed person hasn’t the foggiest idea what they need to help themselves feel soothed, and asking what you can do to help them out is very kind
but ultimately unhelpful. Asking, ‘What kind of things are you feeling?’ allows someone to unload, and acknowledging feelings and triggers can often help paint a picture of how to recognise and manage them. It may have been a big step for your friend to open up to you, and they won’t want to feel like a further burden or ask you for anything. What can be helpful, though, is asking if they notice anything that makes them feel worse or better. Often just saying these things out loud is enough to help us realise things about our own behaviour patterns and try to be kinder to ourselves. Ask yourself the same question right now and see what you come up with.”
Offer an invitation
“One of the kindest and most effective things you can do to show love and support is to keep inviting your friend to things that you’d be doing anyway. Of course, it’ll all have to be virtual for the moment, but asking a pal if they want to join you watching Bridgerton or a film online is a really nice way of hanging out, but still being far enough apart that you can both be unwashed and sobbing in your pyjamas. Apps such as Teleparty make this really easy to do – or you can just press start at the same time. The fact that the invite is to join something that you’re both already doing means it won’t feel like you’ve orchestrated it just to cheer them up, and they’ll know that they won’t ruin your plans if they decline. It doesn’t even have to be watching something, you could invite someone to help you find a new jumper on ASOS, a birthday present for someone else, the best hotel in Bora Bora for when all this is over, or to suss out the Instagram page of someone you’ve started talking to on a dating app.”
From meme to you
Kate adds, “Tagging a friend in memes you think they’d enjoy is such a small but effective gesture. It takes minimal effort on your part, but it’s so glorious to know that someone’s not only thinking of you, but wants to share their LOLS, too.” n