Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett chat colonics and bromances
The boys are back and put on quite the show for Kay Ribeiro
On the whole, we try to conduct ourselves in a professional manner, but occasionally that thin veneer cracks. This is one of those times. We’re on a Zoom call chatting to Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan about the third series of their brilliant show Rob & Romesh Vs, in which they bicker their way through increasingly ego-shattering challenges with very amusing results. If you haven’t seen it, do, because it’s the perfect antidote to all of this.
Rob, 35, is dressed up, and looking super-smiley and bushy-tailed, while Romesh, 42, looks like he might’ve just woken up (we even think we spy a headboard behind him) and is a little bleary-eyed. It’s a perfect distillation of their personalities, and it feels like we’re getting our own personal stand-up show. Our opening question leads to a fast and funny ping-pong exchange between them – each interjecting with amusing asides and put downs – and before we know it, our 30 minutes is up and we’ve guffawed our way through most of it.
By the end of our chat, we think we’ve asked everything we wanted to ask, but we can’t be sure. All we do know for certain is that we will never, ever, ever look at a mushroom the same way again…
Where are you both mentally in terms of lockdown?
Rob: Mentally, I am two things going wrong away from a full meltdown each day. So, you know – spill your porridge, your internet cuts out and it’s just over for the day. I’m totally over it now. Romesh: I’m at the stage where we’ve just sort of left enough food in each of the kids’ rooms to last them for a month, and we’ll check on them in a bit. There’s a couple of litter trays scattered around the house, and just hopefully they’ll be alright.
What mundane things are you excited to do again?
Romesh: Going for a Harvester breakfast. I used to think it was so bleak – standing by that toaster machine while it takes 45 minutes to come round, and the bread has barely got a tan, and then you put it through again. That is now one of my fantasies. Rob: I can’t believe I’m craving for my mum and dad to come round my house for a cup of tea, and my dad
to tell me that my car is too dirty and my mum to tell me that the washing shouldn’t be hung out like that. I’m sort of craving that boring parent arrival out of nowhere. Bleak, isn’t it?
Series three of Rob & Romesh Vs has brightened up our day. What was your highlight?
Rob: The drag performance is quite something. I think I put on a drag show, and I’d say Romesh created a drag moment. [Romesh cracks up].
Romesh: Rob was a combination of really hot, but also terrifying. Rob: The perfect woman. Romesh was quite a sexy drag queen, whereas I was a bit more demure. Rusty Beaver Toothy Diva has got a little more class about her, whereas Ruby Banganathan is a little more in your face.
What was it like shaving off your beard, Rom?
Romesh: I don’t know if they’ve put it in the edit, but the horror I felt when I saw my face for the first time – it was horrendous. Rob was absolutely loving it, weren’t you? He was high from what was going on. Rob: But that’s because I look better with a beard. For Romesh, it is vital he has a beard. He looked like Milhouse from The Simpsons.
What did your wife Leesa say?
It must’ve been a shock…
Romesh: Look, the truth is that Leesa stopped investing in what I look like physically years ago. She was pretty indifferent, to be honest with you. I tell you who the worst respondent was – my youngest son. When I came home, he said, “I don’t want you to come near me, you don’t look like my dad.” Then it was really funny, because every night when I’m home, Leesa puts him into bed and then I go and tuck him in afterwards. So, Leesa took him to bed and then she came down and I was waiting for her to say, “You can go up now.” She said, “He said he’d rather you didn’t go in tonight.” [Laughs.]
What would you say is the most humiliating thing you’ve done on the show so far?
Romesh: I don’t know if anything will match the colonic in terms of humiliation. Just because I was very anti it the whole way along, and I was certainly very anti having Rob Beckett as a spectator there. Then the icing on the cake was an entire mushroom came out – it was like a f**king layer cake of horror. Rob: That’s the only thing that came out!
You both flash the flesh a lot – is it in your contracts?
Rob: Well, you’ve just got to give the public what they want, do you know what I mean? It’s tough for people at the moment. People are trapped indoors, single people can’t date, so if they can get a few cheap thrills from me and Rom…
Romesh: Basically, when we started doing this show, we were like, “How do we get to a point where we can have a joint Onlyfans account?” And so this is the way we see it happening.
You’d definitely cash in with a joint account…
Rob: I am contemplating opening an Onlyfans for charity, just to see how many people would pay to see my dick for charity.
Romesh: Why don’t you just be honest, Rob? He wants to see how many people will pay to see his dick and he’s going to say it’s for charity, so he can get away with it. That’s the truth of it.
‘Rob was a combination of really hot and terrifying in drag’
You should do it. We can start the campaign now…
Rob: Well, yeah. Put it in the magazine. If we get a lot of uptake, I will take a photo of my penis for charity. I’ll do Comic Relief.
Comic Relief is a good fit…
Rob: Yeah, as long as I don’t have to relieve myself!
Romesh: Oh my god…
Rob: Comic relief implies a different type of image.
Part of the success of the show is your chalk and cheese personalities. What annoys you most about each other?
Rob: Sometimes what frustrates me about Romesh…
Romesh: Rob, just so you know, you can pause for a bit longer before you go into it.
Rob: Sorry, let me think… Yeah, I’ve got one! No, sometimes I don’t think Romesh realises how good he is. So, he’ll go, “Oh, was that alright? Was it OK?” When, actually, it’s all excellent. So, that can be frustrating, because it was amazing, and it makes me sad that he can’t see how good he was.
That’s such a lovely answer, Rob, considering Rom’s probably going to lay into you…
Rob: What can I say? I’m the nice one. I’m Dec, he’s Ant. [Cackles.]
Romesh: I just think sometimes Rob can apply a little bit of criteria to what he gets excited about. He’s just so sort of high-energy and “this is going to be great!” about everything, I’ve said to him, “Rob, examine what we’re doing and have a think about it.” Do you know what I mean? Sometimes, it’s useful, because he’s right. But a lot of the time, I have to say, “Rob, you’re really buzzing about today and I don’t think you’ve actually thought about what it entails.”
For example?
Rob: Probably the colonic.
Romesh: Yes! Thank you, that’s actually the perfect example. I love Rob. He’s one of my best mates. I would do anything for that guy… I hated him during the colonic. Absolutely hated him. He was buzzing about doing it – he was laughing his tits off. He was going [putting on a high-pitched voice], “This is going to be so great! Look – it’s a mushroom!” [Rob cracks up.] Honestly, it was so horrible. And afterwards… Look, I don’t want to go into too much detail, but afterwards, he showed absolutely no sympathy for the after-effects of having a colonic. It was horrendous.
Rob: It was great to witness. Also, what you didn’t see in the show was when Romesh was rushing to the toilet after it had finished. He whipped the sheet off, and he was literally starfish naked in front of the camera man and then went to the toilet. All the producers will say that they deleted that straight away, but you know it’s been rewound in the edit studio.
Romesh: It was so awful, because I had all these layers on me – gown, blankets and whatever – and I went, “I’ve got to go! I’ve got to go!” And then just got my dick out in front of the entire crew.
Rob: Well, they actually zoomed in on it, because they thought it was the whole mushroom.
Romesh: See what I’m talking about? Even now… He’s so pleased with that. When he gets off the Zoom, he’s going to go and tell his wife about that.
Rob, you’re going to Dubai soon – are you worried about a backlash?
Rob: Yeah, but I am actually doing a gig! I mean, that’s the difference, isn’t it? [Laughs.]
Romesh: Yeah, he’s out there for three months, but one of those nights, he’s doing a performance.
Rob: I’m more scared of the backlash in my own f**king house. I am going on my own without Lou [Rob’s wife] or the kids. I’m literally getting there the day before and leaving the day after. At one point, my agent went, “You finish the show at 10pm, there’s a flight at 1am, do you want to get that?” I was like, “I’m not a f**king animal! Let me do the next morning at least… but don’t tell Lou there’s a flight at 1am.”
Finally – Romesh, no interview would be complete without asking about your mum, Shanti. What does she think of Rob?
Romesh: She loves Rob.
Sometimes, she says to me she wishes I was a bit more upbeat like him. [Puts on accent.] “He’s taking every day as it comes, he’s loving life. I just don’t know why you can’t be a bit more like him.” Do you know what I mean? “Because of your genetics, woman!” n
Rob & Romesh Vs series three is available to watch on NOW TV