What qualifications do you need for top job in the county?

“HELLO, Jobcentre Adviser. I am looking for a new job. I need advice.”

“Happy to help. Tell me a bit about yourself.” “Well, I have been caught lying once or twice and have been caught having affairs a few times. I have also made some racist comments and my incompetence might well have played a part in a woman being kept imprisoned for quite a long time in some foreign country. And some other stuff. Will that count against me?”

“It might, I’m afraid. You can’t get a job on a supermarket’s checkout because they are looking for people of good character. It is the same for teaching, medicine, social work, nursing, accountancy, engineering ... yes, it certainly cuts down your options. Is there anything that you think would be in your favour?”

“Oh yes. I can speak Latin and I have had a haircut. I also went to Eton and then Oxford where I was a member of the Bullingdon Club.”

“That is very good but won’t help too much. Hold on, though ... Eton, you say? Well, I have found something after all. It says here you could be leader of a big political party. Would that interest you?”

“Would I be the centre of attention? I love being that. But is that all? Anything else?”

“It says in the advert that you must be willing to be Prime Minister as well.”

“Oh goodie. I could make lots of speeches and look very important. Perfect. Any more advice?”

“Well given what you have told me, make sure that you don’t talk to anyone if you don’t have to until you get the job. That might ruin your chances, people finding out even more about you: and best not to mention the Bullingdon Club.”

“Thank you so much for your help. Gratias tibi et vale. Should I start writing my memoir now? What should I call it? Of course - ‘Veni, vide, vice.’ Yes! Can’t wait to tell Allegra ... no, Marina ... Helen ... Petronella ... no, what’s her name? Never mind, I’ll tell nanny instead. Yippee!”

Les Gallop