It’s about time I told you a very tall story I

T was one of those magazines with sensational headlines with content that ranges from the lurid to the bizarre: I Ate My Left Arm Because The Fridge Was Empty. That sort of thing.

And there, at the back, among the small ads, was one that caught my attention. “Men –Want To Be Taller?” As a young man, I often wanted to be taller.

As a teenage schoolboy I tried hanging from the wall bars in the gym in the hope that gravity might have an effect. I didn’t get any longer, but then, I didn’t get any shorter.

Here was a firm offering “height increasing” shoes that could raise my expectations by making me up to an inch taller.

I thought they had stopped making them when Alan Ladd died. The Hollywood actor was my height and during the making of one film, Sophia Loren had to stand in a trench so they were the same height.

To be fair, I never asked a girlfriend to do that, although I did stand on a brick once at a bus stop to kiss a tall young lady goodnight. It was dark and no-one noticed.

The advert piqued my interest and discovered on-line shoe firms offering to give you a lift with elevator heels, from fashion boots at £144 to trainers at £129.

But I don’t think I’ll bother at my age: I might get nose bleeds. Besides, I remember the problem I encountered when trying to run in Cuban heels.

The natural inclination of the shoe actually tips you forward and, once you pick up pace, it can be difficult to stop unless you run into a wall.

Perhaps that’s Usain Bolt’s secret: he has lifts in his running shoes.

In any case, according to science, I’ve been shrinking for years.

Blokes can apparently lose half an inch every decade once they are past 40.

Vitamin D, oily fish, egg yolks and fortified milk help combat the shrinkage, along with exercise, drinking moderately, not smoking and practising good posture.

Thankfully, I can tick all those and, to make sure I don’t get any smaller, I shall spend an hour a day hanging at arm’s length from the beam in the garage with a bucket of sand tied to my feet.

It worked before and it’s bound to help my posture.