Gents, tell your wife to look at this - if you dare! M
I CAN face the new year with confidence, a clear conscience and unworried: I’ve submitted my self-assessment online tax return before the January 31 deadline.
Admittedly, I have been tardy about tax this year and left it late.
And, if truth be told, I was prompted to complete them after my initial online registration prompted a letter from HM Revenue and Customs that said I owed them £5,429 55.
Which gave me the collywobbles arriving, as it did, just before Christmas, with the warning it was due immediately. Oo-er. I was straight on the phone and spoke to a very pleasant young chap called Peter with a Glasgow accent who patiently listened, checked what I had so Y wife Maria had been a model, an accountant’s secretary and helped run the family business before she married me. When we had children, she gave up work to look after them and became a housewife.
This was a role she fulfilled in unorthodox fashion.
“Just think of the word housewife,” she said the other day during a period of reflection.
Well, at our age, you do tend to indulge in retrospection.
“Calling someone a housewife implies they are married to a house.”
I had never thought of it quite like that and realised that as a description it was totally unrepresentative and outdated.
It’s a product of its social time of twin set and pearls 1950s suburbia.
And then, as if synchronicity was playing games, Brian Troop of far submitted online, and explained I had given the impression that I hadn’t paid National Insurance contributions for some considerable time.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll cancel the bulk of it and when you complete the self-assessment, that will cancel the rest.”
The next day, I spent five hours struggling with the intricacies of adjusted profit, total additions to net profit and other things I didn’t understand.
At the end of it, the figures were just not adding up and I was back on the phone.
This time I talked to a soft-toned lady called Heather who again reassured me and pointed out another mistake I had made. Lepton sent me an email that purported to feature a Home Economics article from 1950 headed: How To look After Your Husband.
The article has been circulating on the internet since 1999 and mythbusting website Snopes says that, while it cannot confirm it is true, it is a relatively accurate reflection of the mainstream vision of a woman’s appointed role in the post-war world.
Feminists should, at this point, brace themselves with a bottle or two of Prosecco, and prepare to be shocked.
The top tips for being a real success in the home are: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax
I went back to the form, completed it successfully, submitted my selfassessment and two days later received an acknowledgement that it had been accepted.
It was a job that was completed under stress and strain.
But I have only the utmost praise for the patient and helpful staff at HM Revenue and Custom, a service that usually receives only a very bad Press.
Happy new year to them all. arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.
Don’t greet him with problems or complaints; don’t complain if he’s late for dinner; count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
The goal is to try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Brian comments: “Where did it all go wrong?”
You said that and not me, Brian.