HOTSEAT We’re competitive when it comes to gags and puns... but not singing and dancing

I’ve never discussed this before but I am the rhythm of dance, rhythm moves through me like water and this is my chance... sorry, curry moves through me like water. We just wanted to have fun!

As Cindy Lauper said ‘Girls...’ Actually no, we can’t say girls anymore as I’m nearly 50 and you’re close behind. 42!

We love dancing! In our youth – I don’t want to be smug – we could cut a bit of an old rug couldn’t we?

I’d like to think we cut through the dance floor, but now with hindsight and being older I realise that people were just leaving the dance floor so that they weren’t associated with us.

At the time you think ‘Wow! My moves are so stellar that I’m creating space, my shapes are creating space.’ People were trying to run away. I think we do different things. I’m more grime. I’m very 80s. And I like to pop a lot. Her popping is legendary. And krumping, I’m a real krumper. I was an international krumper at one time, I can’t talk about it really because when you’ve lived for krump like I have, when you get a bit older and you move away from it, it’s hard.

I’d say we’re about the same in that we’re both equally poor.

We’ve done (Elaine) Paige and (Barbara) Dickson for Stars In Their Eyes which obviously doesn’t involve much dancing.

We sang I Know Him So Well – we couldn’t look at each other when we were doing it and became too hysterical.

The choreography was us crossing this checker board, but as soon as I caught a whiff of Mel dressed as Elaine Paige, the bladder went quite significantly.

It was the Barbara Dixon wig for me and the pencil skirt.

I looked like a Portuguese Water Dog.

We got into real trouble because the dress rehearsal, which was supposed to take about 20 minutes because there were five acts on, we were laughing so much that everyone was really annoyed with us – it took over an hour. And we still came second to last. both like to get in there and come up with a pun or a punchline, but when it comes to singing and dancing, definitely not. I think it’s interesting because there’s such a range of people taking part and some of them we have been led to believe on the down-low are actually really good. And they will be competitive. So some of them will seriously be putting their game face on. Putting their game trousers on. And some I should imagine will just be there for a laugh. I think it could be pretty slick and the great thing is we’re just going to sit back and admire everyone else’s hard work and panic. It’s such a great job. It’s a great job, we don’t have to judge, we don’t have to do anything. We just come in and go ‘Wahey, here’s some great people and they’re gonna make you laugh!’ I’d love to see Kate Bush. I’d love to see Kate Bush full stop. We’re just both in love with Kate Bush and everything she does is magnificent. But Mel, Kate Bush does sing and dance for a living, so what’s she going to come on and do?

Is she going to come on and be Kate Bush? It’s too meta!

Oh you’re right it can’t be a singer and a dancer.

It’s better if it isn’t, if you’d said to me ‘I’d like to see Steven Seagal doing Wuthering Heights’ or ‘I’d like to see Jean Claude Van Damme doing Florence and The Machine.’

I’d really like to see Mary Berry busting out a Pitbull number!

Oh that would be good…

Mary Berry featuring Pitbull. I might have to ring her up and suggest that. Mary can move, she’s like liquid.

Helen Mirren doing Meat Loaf would be good, Mirren does Meat Loaf.

I’d like to see that. that. It’s just gas, gossip, merriment and then usually Mel will just go ‘tired now’ or wee herself.

There are two outcomes to the hilarity, Mel will either void her bowels or she will fall asleep and that means that the day is over. I feel excited because Mel’s celebrating 60 years in showbusiness on the first night of the live show and so it will be amazing – it’s a tribute to her really. It will be ruddy mayhem is what it will be. It will be such a laugh. I don’t feel nervous about it. I just can’t quite believe we’re about to do it and it’s going to happen and be seen. But we often feel like that with the stuff we do. I’m hoping we get fired out of a giant cannon! There will be some aerial fun, definitely, so don’t adjust your aerial. Or a trip to A&E, depends how it goes.