How to take coffee . . . au lait or Camp? I

A SURVEY by car maker Hyundai found that motorists swear. No. Really?

They say a driver will curse 41 times for every 100 miles. That’s once every two and a half miles.

I hate to spoil the figures but I can do three just driving through the village and another half dozen before I get to town.

I have always controlled my language with my grandchildren in the car but realised I was overdoing it when Jeanie joined in barracking other drivers. She was three at the time.

Among traffic annoyances are drivers who text whilst driving, those who fail to make signals, full beam motorists and parking across two spaces.

I can accept being stuck behind a tractor because I have driven so often in Ireland and traffic jams no longer frustrate having experienced the M6 at Birmingham rush hour with roadworks.

People don’t like being ’VE been a coffee lover for 40 years and drink three or four cups a day in the hope it will enable me to live forever.

Coffee drinkers live longer, concluded a survey I read some years ago, and I’m attempting to prove its veracity.

When I was young, I thought coffee was called Camp and came out of a bottle.

This is the variety my mother used to drink, that was popular in days of the Empire, and was a syrup that contained 4% caffeine-free coffee essence and 26% chicory essence.

The label showed a Sikh soldier serving a cup to a Highland officer outside a tent. Its motto was Ready Aye Ready, the “aye” meaning always, and referring to both the soldiers and the brew.

It is still available for nostalgia lovers although the label has changed. Now both the Sikh and British soldier sit side by side with a cup each. Brits are today drinking more coffee than ever in high streets that often have a better choice of barista than shops.

UK favourite, according to a survey from coffee machine maker Krups, is a latte. It’s followed by cappuccino, Americano, flat white, filter, espresso, mocha, frappuccino, macchiato and French press (cafetière).

If I get a coffee when I’m out, it’s invariably cappuccino (hold the chocolate). At home I prefer a cafetière, black, no sugar, although I usually make do with instant.

Continental coffee didn’t appeal on trips into Europe. I always felt like cut up but I take that with sanguinity after once being a passenger in an ancient Cadillac Coupe de Villa that was held together by rust and driven by an octogenarian lady of intrepid spirit but limited vision on the West Coast of America.

As she powered down the slip road onto the Freeway with no signals she muttered: “Move over, buddie, I’m coming through.”

The traffic wisely moved over. I tend to do the same. I should be stamping my heels and playing with my maracas when I ordered a cafe au lait, so it was easier to drink beer or tea.

Proper coffee didn’t get a grip until I went to the US for the first time in 1976 and discovered Starbucks and the ability of Yanks to over-complicate anything.

It is impossible to ask for a cheese sandwich and a coffee in America. You have to stipulate what sort of cheese, how many varieties you might require, uncooked or toasted, the type of bread, which might be made from barley, buckwheat, corn, gluten, millet, oat, rice, rye, wholewheat, soy or triticale and baked in several different national ways.

“Wholemeal, cheddar, with butter, hold the salad, hold the dressing. Hold everything.”

This is when the sandwich-maker looks at you as if you had just landed from Mars. Don’t you know this is the land where they have so many salad sauces they go all the way up to a Thousand Island?

Ordering a coffee is as complex. Starbucks estimated there are 87,000 ways of serving it. Stand in line at a US outlet and enter a state of befuddlement as everyone has their own version of whatever is on the menu, with extra shots and flavourings and how deep they want the froth, as if their preferences give them an identity.

Perhaps next time I’m in the States I’ll ask for a Camp Coffee. That could get a reaction.

In the meantime, I’ll keep taking my home brew black and live forever. So far it’s working.