How to create magic of a perfect Christmas I
THE Turnip Prize for bad art held in a Somerset pub has an inspired short list that features two cans of baked beans stacked one upon the other entitled Trump Tower.
A piece of holly stuck into a lump of wood is – you guessed it – Hollywood, a chilli and a date is labelled Hot Date and, with a tip of the hat to pollution, a plastic belt is named Plastic Waist.
It is a parody of the Tate Modern’s Turner Prize and was inspired 20 years ago by Tracey Emin’s unmade bed.
Organiser Trevor Prideaux says: “It’s about who can make the crappiest piece of art with the least amount of effort possible.”
It’s one of those wonderfully daft celebrations that Brits excel at, and is guaranteed to make anyone smile, including Tracey Emin.
Another is The Diagram Prize run by The Bookseller and awarded to the weirdest book title of the year. Winner was The Joy of Water Boiling, a guide to cooking in kettles. The short list included Call of Nature: The Secret Life of Dung, and Jesus on Gardening.
Well, if you are looking for tips, you might as well go to the chap whose dad created the Garden of Eden.
To put art into perspective, works T’S Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas, according to the radio.
Everybody from Bing Crosby to Michael Buble has burbled the song, in the countdown to Crimble that started immediately after Bonfire Night.
At least now we’re in sight of the finish line, with Christmas arriving three weeks tomorrow and plans already afoot to celebrate the big day with meals out, family gatherings or a cosy day at home for one or two.
But if you are staying at home, how to set the mood?
Years ago, Aunt Sal was content with a box of Turkish Delight and an Advocaat and lemonade by the fire after turkey and the trimmings, while Uncle Fred kept his eye on the crate of brown ale, and everyone was expected to join in a game of Housey Housey or Monopoly, whether they wanted to or not.
That won’t do in today’s sophisticated world where the kids will want to be left alone with their new iPad or video game or just left alone. So how do you set the mood? I found the answer on YouTube. Simply tune in to a three hour playlist exhibited for the Turner Prize have included a giant pair of golden buttocks, a mannequin sitting on a toilet, and a painting created with elephant dung.
In 2002, Culture Minister and former art student Kim Howells, was so shocked by the work on show that he wrote “conceptual bullshit” on a noticeboard at the Tate Modern, only to momentarily panic in case the notice board was an entry.
The winner of the Turner Prize will get £25,000; the author of The Joy of Water Boiling got a bottle of claret; and the winner of the Turnip Prize will receive – yes, you guessed it again – a turnip. of Christmas music while your TV screen changes from one picturesque holiday scene to another. It was released – or possibly escaped – in 2013 and has been watched 30 million times at the last count. YouTube has a massive choice of similar seasonal sounds from piano, to jazz, to children’s songs, to pop music, to Andre Rieu and back to Michael Buble. They mostly last for two or more hours.
For that full seasonal flavour, especially if the weather is foul outside, try watching a log-fire while gentle instrumental music plays in the background – for 24 hours nonstop.
There are several variations of this without music. How about logs burning in a “Norwegian style stone hearth” that is flanked by festive foliage? It runs for six hours and the only sound is the crackling of the logs. Mind you, one lady commented: “If you close your eyes it sounds like two people having a face slapping contest,” which rather ruined it for me.
I prefer to turn on, tune in and drop out, to quote Timothy Leary, with one of the versions of just the fire without the trimmings and less assertive crackles. Very relaxing.
If it gets cold, I shall sit closer to the TV. Last year’s winner of The Turnip Prize was 12-year-old Chris P Bacon with her entry Pulled Pork, of a toy tractor pulling a pig