A new year, but same old story
S if they hadn’t said enough in 2018, Theresa, Jeremy, Sir Vince and Nicola said it all again in their New Year messages. They had nothing new to say, because there isn’t anything about Brexit that hasn’t been said a thousand times already.
It’s not what they did say, but what they should have said, that gets me going. Here’s the unauthorised version.
Theresa May: “Look, I’m sorry. I’ve totally b******d-up the negotiations with Brussels. They were too smart for me, and my withdrawal deal is a dog’s breakfast.
“I know my own MPs won’t vote for it, and we will exit over a cliff in ninety days, but there you go.
“Not me, however. I shall resign on April 1, like a good English fool, and hand over the Tory leadership to barmy Boris. Serves you right for not backing me.”
Jeremy Corbyn: “It’s time for the Tories to go, and allow Labour to agree a radical alternative for the many not the few.
“Don’t be cheeky and ask me what it is, because I don’t know, and my shadow ministers won’t tell me because they can’t agree. “Anyway, if we had a policy, I’d have to explain it on the telly, and I’m not up to that. Get back to me in a year’s time, if I’m still in the job.”
Septuagenarian Sir Vince Cable: “As you know, the Liberal Democrats have always been in favour of EU membership.
“What referendum? When did that happen? I must have been taking a nap. Thank you for telling me.
“So let’s have another poll, this time asking if voters want to Remain in Europe - or face Armageddon and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding down Whitehall.”
Saintly Nicola Sturgeon: “We will always defend the interests of Scotland, we will always ...” (needle stuck in groove).
I can’t remember who’s the leader of Plaid Cymru this week, and life’s too short to look it up, but here’s Nigel Farage, who thinks he’s still in charge of Ukip.
Echoing Groucho Marx, he bellows between pints: “Whatever it is, I’m against it!”
My seasonal message to readers is simply this: Happy New Year and a prosperous 2019!
What referendum?
When did that happen? I must have been taking a nap. Thank you for
telling me.