IS IT TIME FOR A CRASH HELMET?
IREAD with alarm that UK supermarkets are preparing for looting and riots because of food shortages if there is a no deal Brexit.
By heck, I’m off to town to buy a crash helmet, elbow pads and a pepper spray for when it comes to a fight over the avocados in Sainsbury’s.
Almost two thirds of fresh fruit and veg in our shops come from Europe. That’s a big gap to fill and it’s not even taking into account Prosecco and Stella Artois.
In fact, it might be better to go shopping as a pack, with my mate Arthur on point in pit boots (he’s 80, small and lethal), Maria and me pulling trolleys, and Phil and Rag on the flanks (they’re both 6ft plus) carrying heavy duty plastic bin lids to ward off the opposition. We can sweep the aisles in a wedge formation. “Grab the onions.”
“Leave room for the Brioche.”
“We need those Maris Pipers.”
“Careful. You nearly squashed my plums.”
It could become a team event for only the brave or those in dire need of an iceberg lettuce for a ham tea on Sunday.
Residents of Skelmanthorpe would, of course, have to be barred for having an unfair advantage. The villagers of Shat were in ancient times known as The Shatterers and their local sport was shin-kicking and lug-hole biting.
They’d take home the lettuce every time.