TAKING ON THE ’TEC ROLE
IGOT excited when I read that a police initiative was asking honest citizens to turn detective if they became a victim of crime.
My teeth were cut on Morse and Frost and I could earn a PhD for my knowledge of Nordic Noir, French and Italian crime on TV. I was trained, I was ready. But then I realised all the present-day programmes had a woman sleuth leading the hunt and Maria was unwilling.
“Look,” I told her, as we watched the latest French thriller, “all the women detectives wear denim or leather jackets and you’ve got both so you’re half way there.” She still refused.
Can’t blame her, really, because when I read the small print, the crimes the police wanted help with were burglary, vandalism and anti-social behaviour. It had been suggested home owners take pictures, interview witnesses and send their findings to an app called MyPolice.
Well I wouldn’t mind helping on a burglary but vandals and anti-social hooligans? We don’t get many round our way, and in my state I can’t run very fast.
So it was quite a relief to discover that, after criticism from Dame Vera Baird QC, the Victims’ Commissioner, the idea had been put on hold by the National Police Chiefs Council.
On reflection, while I wouldn’t mind a bit of detecting in Paris or Oslo, I don’t think I’d be suited for mundane urban disturbance. Particularly as I once had a deerstalker hat, whilst going through a brief Sherlock Holmes phase, which someone nicked.
The case of The Stolen Deerstalker is still unsolved.