Chocolate is always the answer...

I HAVE a recurring cough that is causing me embarrassment in public, even with a mask on, and I am considering carrying a sign that says: I Don’t Have Covid.

My dread is that shoppers at the sales will give me the evil eye and try to ward off infection with a religious gesture or by waving an icon and possibly invoking an incantation: Get thee gone, Satan, and take thy demon cough with thee.

I’ve had it before, on or off, over the years. It’s one of those dry tickles that sticks around for annoyance value at crucial times. I had it when I was waiting for a cataract operation, which was worrying. Coughing is not advisable whilst a surgeon is poking around in your eye with a scalpel.

The NHS obviously takes precautions and a nurse sits by your side holding your hand and you are instructed to squeeze if you feel a cough coming on.

What would they do? Scream a warning and fling their body across mine as I lay unprotected on the operating table with the cry: Hold your blade, sir, a cough is imminent.

It goes without saying it didn’t happen because I suppressed the irritation with dark chocolate.

This is a remedy I latched onto as a last resort after reading research that suggested elements of dark chocolate with a high dosage of cocoa can ease the tickles of a dry cough. Obviously I ignored any research to the contrary and, for me, it worked and the cough was banished pre-op, which just goes to show the power of a psychosomatic answer combined with the fear of having your eye poked out.

At the moment, the cough perks up at quiet times of the day when I become aware I haven’t done one for two hours. I am again consuming vast quantities of 85% cocoa chocolate just in case. The alternative is to wear a cloak with a cowl and ring a bell when I go shopping. At least that could get me to the front of the queue quicker.

“Excuse me. Do you have this in a medium?”