Important rules for adult children living with their parents
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EVEN before the pandemic, record numbers of young adults were living with their parents – and now it’s likely even more ‘adult children’ will have returned home so they’re in a family bubble until the virus crisis eases.
But having grown-up children living in the family home is very different from when they were dependent children, and a new set of rules applies. But what should those rules be?
Counsellor and parenting educator Suzie Hayman, a trustee of the parenting charity Family Lives says: “Grown-up children living at their parents’ home was a bit of a phenomenon anyway, and then in came Covid and suddenly you’ve got more people out of work who couldn’t afford where they were living, and there’s been more break-ups, so people are going home to their parents – or never moved away in the first place.”
And Mumsnet
founder Justine Roberts says: “We all know how incredibly hard it is for young people to save up to afford their own place, and many parents are only too happy to help by offering somewhere to live.
“Parents in this situation on Mumsnet have lots of different thoughts about what the rules should be, but they tend to agree that having some rules is vital – and
More adult children than ever live with their parents.
gets expert advice on what the best rules are for maintaining domestic harmony that you need to be clear about them early on if you’re going to avoid rows further down the line.”
Here Suzie and Justine share their advice on sensible rules for adult children living at home.
IT’S YOUR HOUSE
JUSTINE says adult children living in their parents’ home have to accept it’s their parents’ house and it’s the parents who say what happens in it. “If you can’t stand cigarette smoke, or don’t want pets, that should be the end of the discussion,” she says.
“If they resist you on this, it might be a sign the arrangement just isn’t going to work.”
HAVE A PROPER TALK ABOUT RULES
APPLYING the same house rules as when children were young isn’t going to work, of course, and Suzie stresses: “Sit down and say, ‘We have to work out a new contract’, because whether you realise it or not, you have to have a contract with them.
“It’s not you telling them what to do, it’s saying this is what needs to be done in the house. It’s give and take – how you can do it so it’s OK for you and OK for them?”
Discuss everything, from whether partners can stay overnight to doing their own laundry, advises Justine. “Whether you’re indulgent or strict, Mumsnet users say you must be clear in your own mind about which rules are important to you, and lay down the law right at the beginning if you want to avoid arguments later.”
NEGOTIATE USING SHARED SPACES
“YOU need to have an understanding that you’re sharing living space, and that means you have to compromise and negotiate,” Suzie points out, explaining this might mean arranging that on certain nights they can have the living room and mum and dad will go up to the bedroom and leave them with their friends.
“Negotiating access to shared spaces and making sure people have their own space is incredibly important,” she stresses. “There shouldn’t be assumptions that the living room, kitchen etc is ‘always ours’ – you need to talk it through and have an understanding that in order to live together it needs to be negotiated and sorted out.”
TO CHARGE OR NOT TO CHARGE?
JUSTINE says some Mumsnet users charge a peppercorn rent, some charge around the market rate, and others don’t charge at all.
“This will partly be determined by your own circumstances,” she points out. “If you need a financial contribution, then you should go