Why it’s not the end of the world to face rejection
Love, in the words of Shakespeare’s Romeo “is too rough, too rude, boist’rous, and it pricks like thorn”. In some cases, it is all-consuming. Suffocating. Even painful. But unrequited love? That’s in another ballpark entirely.
For all of the terrifying, lifealtering trials we tend to face as humans, there’s something uniquely lonely and agonising about bearing your soul to someone who doesn’t quite feel the same way. Especially when that someone is a friend.
Jerrod Carmichael, a comedian known for his work in Poor Things, The Carmichael Show and hosting last year’s Golden Globes, is – apparently – well acquainted with that feeling. As part of his HBO docuseries Jerrod Carmichael Reality Show, he treats viewers to a front-row seat to that toe-curling scenario.
Reiterating his romantic feelings for the rapper and long-time friend Tyler, the Creator, a year after being rejected, we watch it play out in excruciating detail. Just a guy, sitting in front of a guy, asking him to love him – and finding the object of his affection far more interested in the takeaway he had ordered prior to the confession.
It’s a hard watch for a reason. Many of us have been there. We have let romantic comedies and literary classics tell us that our bravery will be rewarded, that telling the truth will set us free, even if we don’t get the responses we so desperately want. And then we experience the consequences of that bravery in reality – and it feels like shit.
I say this as someone who has historically been a coward in matters of romance. As a pre-teen and teenager, I nursed my shattered heart through countless crushes on friends. On the odd occasion that I found myself in similar positions in my early twenties, I told myself these friendships were far too important to jeopardise with my intense, unsolicited, romantic feelings. That I was putting their feelings first. But in truth, I was terrified about subjecting myself to the embarrassment of letting someone know I wanted them when they didn’t want me back.
Sometimes, I wonder what might have been if I had taken the plunge. Not because I pine after any of those former flames – I’m currently in a loving relationship, and I doubt the people we’ve grown into would be in any way compatible – but because I have seen at first hand the beauty that can emerge from two friends saying: “F**k it, let’s give it a go.”
I’ve watched on the sidelines as best friends have bravely opened up their hearts without expectation, only to find themselves in the throes of the healthiest and most fulfilling relationships they’ve ever experienced years down the line.
I’ve seen people dip their toes in lightly, realise it’s not for them, and rebuild their original, platonic relationships with stronger foundations. I’ve even seen friends go from mates to lovers to fierce enemies who, when asked, wouldn’t change a thing about “going there”. When asked why they felt no regret, the response has always been: “I would have always been curious. Now I can move on with my life.”
Though many would advise against telling a friend that you love them for fear of ruining it, I still admire that sense of courage. Going after the things you want with no guarantee that you will succeed may seem ridiculous to the pragmatists among us, but to the dreamers and the delusional it’s that final bit of assurance that things either were or weren’t meant to be.
As I have got older, that debilitating, self-conscious approach to dating has given way to a quiet confidence in myself. Through therapy, maturation or whatever, I have learned that it really isn’t the end of the world to face rejection.
Had my partner been a friend of mine, rather than a summer dating app flame who I knew was interested from the moment we met, I sincerely hope I wouldn’t be as cowardly about sharing my feelings as I have been in the past.
In that alternate universe, I would know for sure, even if it wasn’t in the cards, that I did all I could to be honest with myself.
That sort of fearlessness is worth celebrating. Sometimes our love lives go tits up. It’s what we learn about ourselves in the process that truly matters.
I’ve seen friends go from mates to lovers to fierce enemies