“Think on and look sharp, ya great flamin’ idiot !”
“Someone else is coming through! Actually, it’s two people! I smell smoke! Capstan Full Strength, I think. And something else… Perming lotion and ‘Tweed’ by Lentheric…”
“Coo-ee chuck! Now then, is that soft lad Tyrone there? Well, I’ve got a bone to pick with you! What are you doing, carrying on with that floozy Gemma? I can see everything you get up to, young fellow-me-lad.”
“Now then
Vera, my angelic puddle duck. Leave the poor boy alone, will you? He has every right to make his own mistakes. And have you heard that Fiz when she’s got a cob on? She could nag for England, that one. I’m not surprised our Tyrone wants to, you know… sow his wild oats.”
“Oh, shut yer bloomin’ cake ’ole! You haven’t the sense you were born with. That lad’s got a lovely family and he’s going to throw it away.
And for what? Some tart from the kebab shop!”
“Stone the flamin’ crows, Vera. Will you just shut up! They told me I was going to Heaven, but it’s more like Hell! It’s an eternity of ya flamin’ nagging!”
“Ha ha! You didn’t read the small print, chuck! It’s heaven for me.” “I feel the spirit upon me! Yes – there’s a definite whiff of gin and tonic. I hear a name… Deirdre, is it? And she has a message for someone she misses very much…”
“Is that you, Tracy love? I was hoping to speak to Eccles. Never mind, eh? Are you doing okay down there? I see you’re back with Steve. So perhaps least said, soonest mended on that score. “Anyway, enough about you. I bet you’re all desperate to hear my news. And I have to say, the funny thing about being dead is that I’ve never felt so alive! In fact, I haven’t felt this satisfied since I rolled off of Dev
Alahan that Christmas.
“And the people you meet up here! You know me, I’ll chat to anyone – as I was just saying to Paul Newman. You know Paul, don’t you? Did the salad dressing. Eyes as blue as Blanche’s varicose veins. And quite the lover, I’ll tell you!
“But I must dash. I have a date with Elvis tonight. We’ve been seeing each other for a while and he says I have him ‘all shook up’ – ha ha!
“Lots of love. And – the way you carry on – I’m sure
I’ll be seeing you soon…”
“I never ’ad so much fun in all my life!”